Becoming What I Always Wanted To Be

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The pants I put on this morning presented a challenge. They're hand-me-ups designer jeans from my brothers throwaway bag. His wife brought over a bunch of pants after he lost a lot of weight. Some of them fit me, and some of them don't. This pair is a "maybe". I can get them on, but whether or not I can wear them depends on how much they stretch out after being washed.

These pants are not the only ones I'm sorting through. I lose and gain weight frequently, so I have an abundant supply of pants I keep around for when I get fat. I have a habit of keeping those, because I can still wear them when I lose weight for whatever reason. It's the ones I save for getting skinny that I'm burning. My attitude about clothes gets pretty sloppy. Slack. Very slack.

Now in my early seventies I'm not trying to attract sexual partners. The cutesy behaviors people exhibit that are associated with appearing sexy just to give themselves options is interesting, but not intriguing except as fodder for reactive contemplation.

After I went through a vasectomy procedure, the procreative aspect of it became futile, and that futility became a goal to discover how aware the average human is that their entire life is centered around reproduction, even when they pretend to themselves it is not, and even particularly when they pretend it is not.

I wasn't castrated by the vasectomy. The doctor just snipped the vas diferens tube that carried the sperm up from the scrotum and loaded my trusty scattergun, such that it wasn't trusty any more. I wasn't a threat to anyone because I shot blanks.

Shooting blanks doesn't get anybody pregnant, but it does question the point of having sex purely for recreation. It's not that sex wasn't fun anymore. Who doesn't enjoy the pleasure of sexual climax? The body is designed that way. If a man didn't seek the pleasure associated with reaching a climax, why would he suffer through the pain that sometime happens on his way there?

If you're a male human and you haven't been neutered there is no reason to reflect on these topics. If you're a female human who goes through menopause, then you don't have any choice but to consider the implications of having sex without the possibility of getting pregnant. For one thing, women who can't have children for any reason at all don't get adored like impregnable women who can.

It took a long time for me to adapt to shooting blanks, and not just the physical part of it, but more importantly, the mental part of it. Perhaps it might be more accurate to write that it's the philosophical/world view part of being neutered. Nobody knows unless I tell them. They don't know why their usual way of dealing with male humans don't get the usual results from me.

That aspect of this deal is probably what I'm attempting to address. I watch myself not react to people in what used to be my usual way, but it hasn't been my "usual way" now for around thirty years. The vasectomy was performed at the age of forty-two and I'm seventy-one now.

I have been surgically neutered for more than half of my adult life. You'd think I'd have gotten over it, and I have physically, but my amazement at how human males of all ages and females in their fertile years are totally controlled by sperm and egg.

In my own opinion about my own behavior I don't think I could have taken a vasectomy if I hadn't learned that I can experience ecstasy in a variety of ways other than reaching a sexual climax. Candidly, I wouldn't have taken it if having this procedure done would have disallowed having sexual climaxes. By definition, ecstasy by any means is a good thing.

I seem to have always received a lot of pleasure by giving pleasure to others. Doing it exclusively by physical manipulation with one person can't compare with inducing spiritual or political ecstasy for a thousand people all at the same ti-me. In that way the people who are confused by not getting the usual reaction from me due to me being neutered don't go away from me empty-handed. '-)

I've written about how I've been vulnerable to charismatic people all my life, and my spiritual quest was basically to find out how they were able to manipulate me into a conversion experience with no holds barred without my conscious cooperation.

Those charismatics were my childhood heroes. They were the people I wanted to be like when I grew up. I didn't realize that as my life time goal until the last decade or so. That is probably a good thing, because if I had known what I was trying to accomplish I would have gotten in my own way.

The third puberty cycle that begins just before a person's seventy-second birthday is upon me. I haven't reflected upon what might happen much. The first puberty cycle that happens at the average age of twelves years old is physical and very evident to everyone concerned. The second puberty cycle happens just prior to the age of forty-two, and it's about matriculating into having mental power.

I have read about the third puberty cycle being that of the matriculation of spiritual power. How one defines that might be tricky. After the first puberty a human can physically reproduce. After the second puberty cycle a human can use memes to reproduce abstract constructs. Theoretically, after the third puberty cycle a human matriculates into using spiritual power, but is it similar to physical or mental power?

The question for me, in this regard, is how could I recognize that I was manipulating power in the moment of it's occurrence. How can I become consciously aware such spiritual power is for real, and learn how to let it happen more proficiently. Hah! That'll be the day...

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