Alla, Alla, That's What God Is Like!

I guess I'm going through some predictable stage of grieving that I have an incurable disease I won't recover from and be my sa-me old unloved and unloving self. Now, I'm just mad at the world today that I'm sick night and day now, and the future ain't bright.

I read something in Sartre the other day that has me thinking too much about it. He stated that being-for-itself is Desire pure and simple, and if Desire leaves you, then so does being-for-itself. That's troubling to me. I don't know why. I'm not sure I care that one more facet of living troubles me. I feel like "only a troubled guest on the dark earth."


The Holy Longing

Tell a wise person, or else keep silent
because the massman will mock it right way.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of the love-nights,
where you were begotten, where you have begotten.
a strange feeling comes over you
when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught
in the obsession with the darkness
and a desire for higher lovemaking
sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.
now, arriving in magic, flying,
and finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are fare gone.

And so long as you haven't experienced
this, to die and so to grow.
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth.

Goethe

I don't know anything else about Goethe than this poem. I possess the general idea that he was a recognized writer and philosopher, but the opportunity to read this poem he purportedly wrote is all I need.

I've been disturbed by listening to this woman's talk. I'm watching it again now:

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

"Artistry always leads to anguish and death." This statement appeared to be the thrust of her attack. She wanted to change that perception of what pursuing one's craft actually means. It means a lot to me because of what I've "suffered" for my art that personally, wasn't all that negative.

The most significant part of watching this particular video and this specific woman was her comments on the dancer that God used to show itself to the world, and what he had to deal with the next morning when he no longer represented God. It doesn't work that way for me. My invisible friend has used me for expression off and on all my life. Like the dancer, I too have to get up the next morning.

This morning I started drinking vodka before nine o'clock. I gotta get some relief. The nausea produced by this prescription drug methotrexate is killing me. I'm beginning to believe I can put up with the pain of having my old body warped by the rheumatoid arthritis than being sick 24/7.

For some odd reason I thought of Elvis Presley in this context this morning. Mothers literally told their children, "Look, look at him. That's what God is like." All these years after he committed suicide in order to stop being what God's like for these people, they still buy mementos and relics and tell their children, "Look, look at Him, that's what God's like."

Elizabeth Gilbert is a young woman at forty years old. She still has to wear baggy clothes to hid her spreading figure despite the fact that she's now rich and famous. She does seem concerned about what it means to be used this way. I don't even know the title name of the book she became famous for. Those were the days. She seems worried she won't be pointed out as the person who portrays God anymore.

Mothers have pointed at me and told their children, "That's what God is like." Getting up the next morning to chop wood and tote water is a real change from when I had it going on. I've watched a lotta people go through this process. I ask. "Have you ever had people point out the excellence of yo' posturing?" Nobody has never said, "No."

I've acted like it's a mistake to continue to devote one's life to be-co-me-ing God. I've pushed people away from me that seem to insist it's my duty in so-me way. I have to get up and chop wood and tote water whether I have personified the way God is the night before or no. Why ruffle the waters?