The Dreams Of Being Me Get Nasty

❧

I wrote a long entry yesterday, but didn't publish it. I was not in a very good mood because of stomach problems, and my writing showed it. I'm gonna edit it now to see if I can come up with something I'm willing to publish. As a matter of fact, I just did that and I'm okay with it now.

Nothing makes me feel more gullible and stupid than my dreams. I had a strange dream about being in bed with a rather large snake that scared the hell out of me, but then I dreamed of being cuckolded by my second wife and a man who pretended to be my friend. In the dream I was sitting outside in a car and watching these men cum and go in and out of our apartment to help themselves to my ex-wife's eager unfaithfulness.

I write "themselves" because he called in a neighbor to come help himself and they all seemed real cozy making a fool out of me when they thought I wasn't around. When I woke up I knew there was a certain amount of truth to the dream. I got shed of them all a while back. The wife left me nearly thirty years ago.

In my current opinion, I probably invited all this to happen because of my incessant need for self-importance. I ignorantly figure that what I've done with my life should matter. It doesn't. The embarrassing events that keep popping up in my dotage constantly and continuously reveal my total insignificance to myself and mankind, much less my family members.

The I Ching was the last of a series of oracles I studied and mastered to the degree necessary to work my mojo on other people without realizing that is what I was doing, and consequentually, realizing my mojo was working me. In some post or the other recently I wrote about using other people as oracles instead of the Yellow Book I learned from as my goto source.

I wrote about asking other people the well-formed questions I would normally address the book itself to receive an answer, and because the questions I ask were so pointed and designed so specifically for an oracle to respond correctly to, the person I asked the question of instead of the book had to become an oracle themselves in order to answer me.

Many, if not most people, don't have a clue they have this resource available to them, and when they watch themselves become something they never suspected they could, it makes them feel real special. Why would it not? The problem is that without a person who has mastered an oracle to ask them the right question, they can't go to the oracular mode and feel brilliant. They start hanging around people like me for that reason alone.

Making people feel smarter than they actually are is not a sensible way for me to win friends and influence people. It didn't start with my study of oracles, but back when I joined the Navy and had to take a battery of tests (like all recruits do), and the testers oohed and aahed over the results of those tests. I had the second highest scores overall and the only person who scored higher was a Duke graduate with a Masters degree in chemistry.

That's when I began to suspect my father had been lying to me about his opinion that I was too dumb to walk around without his personal guidance or to make a decision about anything I did without his approval. I had joined the Navy without his approval, and it was only because he couldn't force the Navy to suspend my application that I got to get away from his influence and find my own say so in the world external to my natal family.

I got treated special in the Navy because of those grades on those initial tests. My grades were usually the highest on any ship or station I was assigned to including those test scores of the officers who decided what and how I did things in the Navy.

The problem I have with communicating is that I have the ability to make people feel smarter than they themselves figure they are. The results of that is the same as when I ask them questions to elicit their inner oracle. They like very much feeling that they get from realizing they are capable of deep thought. It's having to hang around somebody like me to continue to feel that way that makes them get ugly.

It has taken most of my life to realize these people were playing me for a chump. I was a chump. I am a chump. I will die a chump. Not just a chump, but just about anybody's chump, with bells on. All for the purpose of feeling special and that my service to these humans is important to the evolution of mankind. Eventually, I realized I was mostly doing it for myself.

The proof of the pudding is that I live alone in a rathole of a house I built by myself and will never complete. I'll die in extreme pain and my body will rot and it won't be found until there is nothing left but bones, but until then, I'll describe it all in excruciating detail or at least think I did that without realizing that all I wrote was incomprehensible jibber jabber. What a drag, man.

These nightmares have gotta be caused by the probiotics I am is taking. They sort of do as they're advertised to do, but they make me feel like shit (pun intended), and I am becoming more and more aware that feeling like this and having these weird nightmares that indicate I a bigger fool than even I thought possible.

Worse, I am is a horrible, unfeeling person as a result of imbibing these "good" bacteria. It's not that I'm as mean as a snake, I just do dumb, meaninless things that hurt people's feelings. Treating people badly is about the only way I can rid myself of the people who only abide my nasty disposition in order to feel smarter than they really are.

I have an update about the probiotics. I stopped taking the recommended , high priced ones with nine strains, and take only the acidofelous Pearls I got off the shelf at Wal-Mart. The Pearls (brand name) still cause me some discomfort, but I can tell by the gurgling that they're working as advertised. If they stop I'll go back to the multi-strained pills.

http://www.pearlslife.com/Products/All-Products.aspx?filter=dt0

I gotta be projecting about my relationship with other people. Either that or attempt to realize I'm doing it in real ti-me. That's not so easy to do. It's me that can't keep up the pretense, not them, they can't even pretend they can sustain the attitude necessary to reach for their own star. All fall down.

❦