Another aspect of my earthly identity is now gone. The flashing lights on my DSL modem have ceased blinking. The dial-tone on my ancient touch-tone telephone is silent. I no longer have a telephone number that works, and the band plays on.
The loss of this form of identity is infinitesimal compared to the Japanese people I'm watching on TV. Lots of old people, in particular, lost everything near and dear to them. No reminders of the past to cling to in order to know who they are. Some of the ones that were interviewed lost their entire families, much less the photographs and mementos. All gone in minutes.
Normally I don't allow myself to get emotional over catastrophes, and I'm not really all that upset now. It doesn't do any good. When it's over, it's over. With tsunamis, however, the destruction seems so utterly complete. If you're on the ground and don't have time or refuse to believe the warnings quickly, you're dead. Ground up into little pieces by all that you once loved and thought protected you.
The probiotics I've been taking appear to have been the source of the complaints I've been writing about with my stomach. I kind of figured those bacteria I deliberately ingested were causing the discomfort, but it could have been something serious and life-threatening. For a couple of days I was constipated, and then on about the third day I started going to the bathroom, and didn't stop until I felt like there could be nothing left, and then I went some more.
My stomach doesn't hurt anymore. There's a whole lot of gurgling going on. Things are moving around. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. I had to get up last night to relieve my bladder many times last night because I had deliberately consumed lots of water. When I went back to bed it took a long time for me to fall back to sleep. I wanted to take one of the sleeping pills that I have left from an old prescription, but I hesitate to do that in the fear of getting addicted to the point of needing them to sleep.
Giving up my telephone number was more mentally troublesome than I expected. I sort of thought I was beyond that. As if my remembering vision was the only identity I need. My old telephone number was listed in the local directory in my "nom de plume" as felix. Quite regularly I got calls from Latinos who figured I was a Latino. They don't have the slightest respect for the Do Not Call registry, or apparently, for each other.
The other day I got a call from some white redneck who thought I was Spanish, he didn't speak Spanish, and when I told him my number was on the No Call list, he called me "Nigger!" and hung up. What a drag, man. Most everybody is prejudiced about somebody, but that's a hateful world that I've tried to confront in myself, and it's hard because a lotta people don't seem to even be trying. That doesn't bode well for the future of this country of immigrants. It's that identity thing again.
As I understand it, and I don't claim to know enough to even have a strong, irrefutable opinion, the whole rebellion in the mideast is that age-old conflict between warring tribes. In the flareup in Libya, for instance, the conflict appears to be more about Gaddafi's tribe against other regional tribes, than a country-wide referendum about freedom of speech and equality.
In Iraq alone, there are over 300 different tribes. All with their own customs and rules they seem very willing to fight to the death over, and it's been that way for thousands of years. The two different kinds of Islamic sects ought to be enough to fight over, but with three hundred different tribes (that have serious differences in their own point of view) it seems impossible that they will ever be able to form a nation-wide system that will let them live in some semblance of peace.
I was raised in the Jim Crow system in the Deep South. I tried to walk away from it and treat everybody as an equal, but there is something very deep and impenetrable that's hard to get shed of when push comes to shove. In the recent past I've had strangers walk up to me and inform me that I was one of them whether I liked it or not, so I should stop acting like a phony. I know my act is artificial at best, but I owe it to myself to keep trying to do right.
For this and other reasons I get the impression that lines are being drawn which might force the issue of having to choose one set of principles over another. I can't imagine joining forces with the conservative movements. I'm just not that afraid to try new ideas like they seem to be. I don't have to worry about it. Cowardice AND over-confidence makes humans do stupid things.
It's not always easy to find the middle way, but getting older makes it more convenient to get over. Many people appear to give way with older people because they seem so set in their ways. There is no fool like an old fool, and besides, since they will soon be dead of natural causes, it doesn't matter if they refuse to cater to the prevailing currents or not.
It is not cold outside, but it's cool and with a steady wind blowing it seems even cooler. It's the same every spring with me. I can't wait for it to get warm and stay warm, until it does. It's an old, old story. False spring. Tomorrow, the weathermen promise, it's gonna warm up to over 70 degrees, and I'm be able to lay naked on my new adjustable lawn chair.
I've been able to lay out a couple of times in the last week or so, but that chilly wind has blown for a couple of days now, and it hasn't been exactly comfortable. The ultraviolet light of the sun helps with my skin problems, besides helping me to relax and feel at ease with my psyche.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
