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It ain't happening like I'd hoped. Probably because the first cataract surgery on my right eye went so well. Immediately, as soon as the patch was removed, I could see almost as well as I see through that eye now. Contrarily, I could only see vague shapes through my left eye after this last surgery, and things are still blurry even now, some fifteen hours later.
When the surgeon took the patch off my left eye this morning I couldn't distinguish any real shapes. The surgeon seemed disappointed and instructed me to blink my eye until I could see better. I did, but it didn't help much. He seemed diffident. Unconcerned. Told me to come back in a week. What else could I do? I had eagerly surrendered my sight to him to do what he thought best, and now, for better or worse, the deed is done.
All is not lost. I see a little more than I did earlier, but everything I see is still hazy, as if I'm looking through a gauzy film. I suspected the worst when I asked, "What if it fails?" I do remember, however, after the first surgery one of the technicians said it was surprising that I saw so well so soon. I'm hoping my sight will grow incrementally better. I'd just hate it if it doesn't.
All I got to cope with this development is my own reaction to what's wot. Physically I have no control. What's done is done. If I stay this blind in my left eye until the day I croak, then it's nobody fault but my own. I stuck my nose into the surgeon's business. Not intentionally, but through thoughtlessness. As usual. My arrogance knows no bounds.
Despite my current outlook for the future of my eyesight, I just realized I was typing my remarks just now without wearing any eyeglasses. My left eye is still lacking detail, but individual shapes and colors are a little better than an hour or two ago. That could be self-delusion. I really want my eyesight to clear up.
Every night for the next week I have to tape a plastic cup over my left eye to keep from rubbing it while sleeping. This can be very uncomfortable. I had to do it for the first surgery too, but it is understandable to protect myself from myself. It was only three weeks ago. A couple of times during the night back then I woke up rubbing the plastic cup, and then realized how weird that felt. I sometime sleep in awkward positions that cause pain when I wake up, so it wouldn't surprise me if I were to wake up ripping the stitches out of my eye.
I dreamed of being lost in another industrial complex again last night. I didn't go lucid during the dream, and only realized I had been dreaming when I woke up. I hope when my eyes heal from these operations I'll be able to get back to being more aware of my dreaming and not thinking about what I'll see when I open my eyes. I'm curious about how my being able to see with the clarity provided by the new plastic lens will affect the content of my dreams.
It seems a little stupid to talk about being able to see clearly again while I can hardly see out of my left eye. I guess I'm just being optimistic. I'm getting little glimpses of what it could be like occasionally. I thought about how having unclouded vision equated to seeing like a newborn might last week. It seems appropriate though. The notion of seeing with the eyes of a newborn while simultaneously entering my second childhood seems a little quaint.
Well, I've put going to bed off as long as reasonable. I'm afraid I'll wake up and seeing out of my left eye will still be dim and hazy. I'm afraid to anticipate seeing better than I do right now... which ain't too good.
Well, I've put going to bed off as long as reasonable. I'm afraid I'll wake up and seeing out of my left eye will still be dim and hazy. I'm afraid to anticipate seeing better than I do right now... which ain't too good.
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