I watched the debate last night. At least part of it. I kept taking time slices of it as the evening passed. Since all three networks carried it from the gitgo, and then PBS showed a delayed version of it (why would they do that?), I didn't have much choice about what channels to divert myself with. I'm glad Palin didn't fold. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Sometime, when I'm fairly sane, I empathize with other people whether I believe in their cause or not. I do not believe in this woman's cause, but I personally don't think it matters if she pulled through or not. I think she and her idiotic running mate will lose the election no matter what they say. I think the political tide has doomed their chances. I don't know that for sure. I was alive when Truman miraculously won against Thomas Dewey.
I do think about how this depression will affect my wife's children and her grandchild. They may be prepared for it better than most. Thanks to my being the asshole of the universe and causing their mother to take them out to California to live. I have made the comment that if she could have put them on her back and swam to Hawaii or China to get them away from me influencing them, they would now be speaking Mandarin fluently. Now, of course, I realize that she took them out to where her older brother lived. He supposedly married a rich woman and they would be better off under his tutelage. I taught her to leave her body, and she always came back here to me at night for years and years. No blame.
I was hoping my visit with them for my wife's oldest daughter's marriage would clear the air a bit and reduce my angst about the failure of that marriage. It didn't. I guess I'll be bitter until I croak. The worst part of it has been that not resolving my bitterness doesn't leave any room for another woman in my life. There have been a couple of women that were very attractive to me. If I would have been emotionally free to get up with them i could have been a half-decent woo-er if I could have put my heart into it. I knew when I kept mistakenly calling them by her name that a new relationship was doomed to hell. I've pretty much slept alone for the last twenty odd years.
I miss her body still to this day. It just fit. At least my body misses her body. She was a great kisser. I used to walk up behind her when she was busy and reach around and hug her into me from behind, and she would back into me, and it just felt right. Just like when we slept together. It was never enough for her. She was the one getting short-changed. but my body remembers the joy.
I don't have the same body any more. The last visit I had to the VA Hospital to get that bone density test required that the radiologist weigh me and check my height. I weighed two hundred and thirty-five pounds and my height was five foot ten inches. I've lost an inch and a half somewhere and I'm a lot wider than when we were lovers.
I'm losing something else that's been so important to me I chose my middle pen name to emphasize it. Manos. Spanish for hands. The arthritis is taking my hands away from me. I've spent hundreds of hours using them to massage her body. Once when I was high on something I massaged her for four or five hours in a row. I didn't even have to think about where to touch her. My hands reached for the muscles that were the most tense automatically. She gave her body to me in this way. She surrendered it to me. No other women has been that giving with me. They all held something back. I never thought I possessed exclusivity. I just ignored that because of my own selfishness. It would come back to haunt me. It still does.
Currently the arthritis hurts around my elbows and biceps . There's a deep ache that is still there when i wake up in the morning. When I come downstairs and start typing, at first it takes real will just to turn my hands out flat to begin typing, and then after a while it sort of eases up, but that deep ache doesn't go away. it may never.
I've written previously about how lucky my natal astrology chart is. I have thirty-three major aspects, and only four of them are negative. The negative aspects are real doozies. It's all about Saturn and bone problems. I thought I may be lucky enough to get away with not having so much trouble in my skeleton. I've always had trouble with my teeth, and I've lost a lot of them. Mostly due to neglect. I was terrified as a child by a dentist I still think was a true masochist. Now, one of my closest friends used to be my dentist.
I don't think I'm gonna get away with having those negative aspects not do something to my body. The arthritis is here to stay. Unless the drug companies come up with some miracle cure I'll die in pain. Probably with a few bone joints missing if i live long enow. The last appointment I had with my VA doctor, she mentioned in passing that if I started hurting bad enough, there were operations tha could be performed to cut away the problem areas. She told me I should just let her know it the pain became unbearable. Unfortunately, she seemed compassionate, as if it was inevitable I would come to the point where I would beg for it. What a drag, man.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
