Believe it or not my ex-wife wrote me an e-mail. Granted, it was to tell me I was mistaken and that she didn't have my poetry. I apologize for hearing her and her children wrong. I probably heard her wrong when she reminded me that our children are not our children, but her children. As if I was never a part of their lives. I'm losing my mind I guess. That's how it goes. It is probably gonna get worse.
I was just a bum on the streets when we met. I told her repeatedly that I was too old for her. But, she said she wasn't concerned. Maybe I heard that wrong too. I thought I was just a happy-go-lucky neer-do-well reading tarot cards for the little bit of money I had. It seemed like no time at all I was a wife beater and thus the worst kind of son-of-a-bitch there is. I would have sworn I'd never have done anything like that, but I did.
Now, both her natal family and mine disrespect me. Her children hate me for failing them. I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm paying the price for ever bothering with her in the first place. I should have known better. I should have run for my life when she found out she was pregnant. It wouldn't have been the first time. All this could have been avoided. I would probably still be a bum, but at least my reputation wouldn't have been sullied by my hitting her. I've never hit any other woman.
The one memento I kept of our bound-for-hell marriage was a little memo book in which she kept a diary. In it she wrote how happy she was to be pregnant with our oldest child, and how deeply she loved me. Now I'm thinking she wrote that after our disagreement and left it where I would find it just to make me feel worse than I already do about succumbing to her charms.
There were several times I started to send the daughter she was happy to be pregnant with that small diary. I thought it might make her feel better to know she was conceived in love, but for some reason, selfishness I guess, I kept it to remind me that I wasn't alone in fooling myself. We had a connection that seemed like it would survive our temptations. I was wrong. It was 'her children' that had to pay the price of my stupidity.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
