Burning My Burning Desire For Life

I woke up after a weird dream. It didn't seem like I'd go back to sleep for a while. I lay in bed thinking about identity. Individuation. I've been emptying my house of the possessions that identify me as my parent's son, my sibling's brother, my ex-wive's husband and then ex-husband. When I began recollecting the time in my life when I was my children's father, as lousy as I've been at all that, I got up outta bed because I can't stand it.

I've burned stuff that I wrote in the past all along. Stacks of spiral-bound notebooks full of my journals. Ten years at a time. I burned all the questions I asked the I Ching for thirty years. I burned all the report cards my mother born in Cancer saved for me from first grade on. All the papers that say I went to college. All the letters I wrote to my parents from all over the world. All the licenses and certifications I acquired over the years.

It's getting hard for somebody to steal my cursed identity that made me this or that. I'm not stupid or at least try to give that appearance. i haven't burned my drivers license or my VA ID card or my expired Passport so I can prove to the man I am is a never-was, but with a house to live in and a checking account to pay my own way. 

I guess I am doing what upset my daughter when I sent her all the stuff her mother left here when she took them away to California. I am preparing to die by cleaning up my act. Soon, the only way I'll be able to prove I'm somebody will be gone, and I'll be back to possessing only my wit and grit again, if that.

If the sacrifices I've made ain't good enough to save me from a tasteless death, I'll just have to go down hard in some weird institution like other friends over the years who died not even knowing we were once friends. I suspect that ere long I won't know who's dreaming the nightmares I wake up frightened from with nobody else here to calm my fears and tell me it was only a dream. 

*
4 Jesus said, "The person old in days won't hesitate to ask a little child seven days old about the place of life, and that person will live.

For many of the first will be last, and will become a single one."

http://www.gape.org/gapes/prispevki/atranslationofthegospelofthomas.htm

*
I interpret #4 to mean that there are homo sapiens, and contrarily, there are those who originated the process of life here on earth that includes all the other species of life, that have the appearance of being homo sapiens presently, but they're not really human, they are the "first" mentioned in the Gospel of Thomas saying above.

When the "first" swarm of pearl-like entities get through populating the earth as assigned, they will reunite, "and be-co-me a single One" in order to conveniently move to the next exoplanet and do it all over again. '-)

This ongoing assessment I make of the gods is no more than what I make it up to be. Each reader will read into what I've carelessly written what they personally think is sot before them. I don't write so much to discover the truth. That is because the truth itself to me is ongoing in the same way I speculate about in the specious present.

In other words, the present is damned specious. Very iffy. It could be this or that, but since it take both this and that to make up that which is it, speculation, in my opinion, is all we have to comfort ourselves with because our purpose for being here is "assigned".

"Assigned"? That's a poser, ain't it?

I employ the term "assigned" due to one event (of a myriad of continuous time-distorted events) that showed up or transpired during my remembering vision that came to me unexpectedly and un-summoned forty years ago at the completion of my first Saturn Return:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return

During this unique "vision" things moved along progressively, telling the story of all my previous existences since arriving on Earth, until something spectacular happened, and the progression I just mentioned did not proceed as usual from the moment of this happening, as far as I gnow, to this very day.

Something... SOMETHING... moved through the Earth and every earthly object created by the pearls through imitation and mimicry was split into two parts. However (I'm opining lately without any hard facts to go on; nobody knows), not the pearls themselves. This SOMETHINGness swished through Earth only momentarily. Zing!!.

Whatever it was didn't hang around. It's difficult to find the proper descriptor. There was only one small, almost insignificant indication that the occupants of the Earth had been affected. The moment was like the slightly ripping sound of a very sharp knife or sword cutting through paper. There might have even been a metallic "ping/swish" to indicate that was all there was to it.

Whatever it was might or might not have been that which assigned us pearls to come here and incrementally populate the earth. My only point is that it did what it did to the occupants of Earth, both the pearls and their abandoned products of me-me-cry (mimicry) could not resist the results it's lightening-like strike evoked. BOOM!

Afterward, when all the forms of life the pearls had created by imitating each other's mutual handiwork were split into by what Mother Shipton called the Dragon's Tail, the creatures the pearls created stopped seeking to be re-united with their creators, and began seeking instead their other half.

In their responding in that predetermined manner, they became as gods themselves, and their creator's original assignment was completed.

Read the header at the top of my blog again to remind yourself, if needed, that I make this shit up as I go along. It's not meant to be the God's own truth, but rather to make ti-me fly. What else? '-)