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I woke up dreaming about being in a restaurant with an unknown woman. We were in the act of leaving. She went to the ladies room while I was to pay the bill. We had only had sandwiches. The bill came to $40, and I had $5 in my hand. I wasn't worried about paying the bill, but I was so embarrassed that I had to think about it that I woke up with an intense feeling of shame.
The fact that I am is so poor that I would have to take my poverty in consideration while with this innocent woman that I knew I would have to find a way to get shed of her before she became a habit I couldn't afford. It wouldn't be the first time that I've had to shut people out of my life because they're used to being with people who never had to think about the cost of living simple. It's not fair to them. They've been catered to all their life.
Later, in another dream, I was driving through this smallish town out west somewhere where it's flat and arid. Suddenly, there was a marching band crossing the road in front of me and I was signaled to stop to let them proceed. That kind of irked me. They came out of nowhere, and they expected me to wait for them to cross the road, but they didn't. They stopped right in the middle of the road. A young man came over to my car, opened the passenger's side door, and innocently informed me that his dog was under the house.
I should have realized in this moment that I was dreaming and moved into a lucid state in order to take command of the dream, but that didn't happen. Why am I always the last to know?
Why are the participants in my dreams innocent, and I'm always complicit in these awkward situations. It's not "always" in my dreamtime this happens, but even in real life (if that's what being awake is). My choice to live a simple life in the here and now seems troublesome (usually for others) most of the time.
My brother and I were out on our walk last night and he was telling me about how his life is going. Sorta bragging inside the family circle. He wouldn't dream of telling a stranger about his success and how he and his wife spend money I'll never have. He wasn't really trying to impress me. Again, he was innocent of that. He seemed to be trying to impress himself.
He tells me these things because he thinks I'll be proud of him, and I am. He might not have those stories to tell if it hadn't been for me choosing the path that has a heart for me, but I don't tell him that. I am definitely pleased for him, but I never have chased ofter money or social position, and more is the pity in their eyes that I haven't.
My personal life, as far as other people are concerned, appears to be divided into two areas. My first marriage that ended with me committing myself to the insane asylum, and my second marriage that just petered out because of the path I chose for myself.
All the other parts of my life is about what happened as result of my visions. People only understand visionaries if they're quite dead, and I ain't dead yet. I institute changes for them that seem ludicrous and cause real problems for people whose life is changed because of me, and neither of us know why I do that. Later, sometimes decades later, I do understand it in a wistful moment or a dream, but the damage is done.
In the past, I've enjoyed participating in e-mail discussion groups. For the last year or so I've tried to keep the last one I actually took part in by deliberately writing absurd posts to elicit a response from the other members for the sole purpose trying to keep them going, and then to bring them back to life. Occasionally some member or the other might respond half-heartedly, but never for long.
I figured that if I stopped posting that would be the end of it, and I have stopped posting, and I was right. Nobody cares. I gotta let a sleeping dog lie. The only e-mail I get now is from an iPhone group I joined thinking that eventually I'd buy an iPhone or a smartphone of some kind, I'm not, and so I'm unsubbing from that one today.
After I got the free phone that I've never been able to use to make even a single call, I'm taking that as a sign I probably don't need a telephone at all. I've shut the people down who have wanted to be friends with me. I guess I have to be satisfied with attempting to communicate with total strangers. What a drag, man...
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I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
