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Last night I slept long and hard. I may never catch up on lost sleep no matter how hard I try. I suspect the new world I'm seeing with my right eye has changed my dreamtime. It's tedious enough to try to catch a shooting star in the dream world under the best of conditions. Apparently when changing the outside world the inside world is changed too.
There is a possibility that changing the way I literally "see" the world around me will truly drive me nuts. What if it should fail? It's only nine days since the first cataract was removed and replaced. It's been a little stressful in a physical way to have to make adjustments induced by the impulsive decisions of abstract mental faculties.
The instinctual world is not designed for cataracts to be removed and replaced with a clear plastic lens. Sure, it's done all the time. At the waiting room at the ophthalmology clinic at the VA Hospital yesterday I saw three other old men come in wearing the same patch that was put on me after the procedure was done.
I spoke to an old man wearing that cataract patch who was sitting next to me. He wasn't very friendly. I backed off and let him alone. He wasn't unfriendly. He didn't exactly threaten to punch me in the mouth if I didn't just shut up, but I got it. He didn't wanna talk.
The silence was palpable. Then... fade out. Lost connection. I sort of think that's how having one's world changed in not-so-small ways can affect many people. It's enough just coping with an artificially-changed point of view.
Maybe people's natural eye lens slowly gets less flexible and brown, and that dims one's view considerably. Some people may make it happen in a deliberate way without knowing consciously that they're running that program in the background. If that is possible, and how would I gnow, it might be because they don't wanna see what happens to them due to the ravages of the aging process.
Back in the days when I was a serious student of hypnosis I've witnessed a lot of deliberately induced changes to the skin and general appearance of people in hypnosis. I've seen knives and nails jammed through flesh and bone, that would immediately heal and show no sign of having happened within minutes. People can change their own common perception of themselves.
All I'm saying is that getting the cloudy old lens sucked out of a small hole thrust into the eyeball and having it replaced with a specifically focused lens with UV filters is not the result of a hypnotic suggestion. Having this procedure done does not upgrade the expectations of the back-burner binary program that results in it's owner not "seeing" what happens to it as it dies of old age. The new lens is made of plastic. It's a man-made object that not subject to whims and mood swings.
Nobody can re-hypnotize me and nullify the hypnotic suggestion that dulls the images exposed by my tired old lens and change anything. I went under the knife. I'm never going to see the world the way my old lens made it appear ever again. Well, not yet, soon it'll be that way. In two weeks when they "do" the left eye, my old way of seeing the world will have been excised.
The vision in my right eye checked out at the ophthalmology clinic at 20/25, and it may get a little better as the healing process completes itself. It's been a long time since I could see so clearly. Even far away things like the individual pine needles on a tree a hundred yards off.
It's due to such sharp definition of the objects my new lens allows me to see the world the way I do now, that makes me doubt the trueness and validity of my former visual experience of the world. There is a huge difference between what I now see with my right eye and how constrained the view provided by my originally-equipped left eye is.
If I couldn't believe what my old eyes previously told me (due my natural lens getting cloudy and interfering with what I saw "out there"), then will this surgical change cause me in turn to doubt my other senses? Maybe it will scarify them into working better. Will my new lens cause me to question what my old ears hear and my old nose smells? My ears and nose are as old as the lens in my eye that is getting replaced was. The resolution is the same. I gotta find a way to cope. I always have. No blame.
The one thing I now see with the new lens in my right eye is how old my skin looks. The vision in my right eye may have taken a couple of days to adjust to having all that light streaming into an former, incrementally darkening, cavern. Eventually, I looked closely at the skin on my arm and saw a lot more detail. I saw what other people with good eyesight see. Aaarrgh...
I should have been more ashamed. How humiliating! I pretended to look less aged than what was real to lots of people out there but me. I got no right to do that. How can I appear dignified if I unconsciously give myself airs? Such dumb-ass deportment has no power. Maybe I was better off not knowing.
The old man who sat beside me in the waiting room seemed frustrated and confused. A couple of times he picked up the magazines on the table beside him and leafed through them hurriedly, but he put them down again as quick as he picked them up. "Can't git no..."
He was there to get the patch from his cataract operation the day before removed. The one thing he did say to me before he shunned me was that he had the cataract in his other eye done three years before. By getting the second eye done after three years, I suspect he was not totally happy about the prospect of losing his old way of seeing, even as badly as he saw, and it caused him pause. I know it concerns me too. What if it fails? Excisions are usually a one-way street. So is life.
It was seven o'clock before I realized I have an 8:30 pre-op appointment tomorrow morning. I gotta get up and leave here around seven to make it there on time. It scared me a little to have almost missed a pre-op appointment through sheer carelessness. Those VA people are not very forgiving, and I'm very, very close to getting what I wanted before I croak. I can't afford to screw up the works now. Coping with what I see with my new eyes might itself be the death of me. But first, I gotta get myself up and get over there by 8:30 in the morning. '-)
It was seven o'clock before I realized I have an 8:30 pre-op appointment tomorrow morning. I gotta get up and leave here around seven to make it there on time. It scared me a little to have almost missed a pre-op appointment through sheer carelessness. Those VA people are not very forgiving, and I'm very, very close to getting what I wanted before I croak. I can't afford to screw up the works now. Coping with what I see with my new eyes might itself be the death of me. But first, I gotta get myself up and get over there by 8:30 in the morning. '-)
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