A friend didn't understand why I entitled today's first entry A Lonely Death. For the most part it's because no one will even know if I get sick. I've isolated myself to such a degree that nobody will know. I don't expect to hook up with another woman. I can't afford one. I've never been able to afford a wife. Finances was the major reason both my marriages failed. I just wasn't dependable for bringing home the bacon. I been bad for getting the wanderlust. My wives competition wasn't other women, it was the road. I couldn't stay away from it. It was just too easy just to walk off and keep going. I got not couth. I got no "Never mind."
That certainly used to be true. I got nobody to run from anymore. No place to run to that I can afford, and I'm tired of sleeping on the ground or on some stranger's floor. I'm not so grateful as I used to be. Many people don't believe I could actually be poor enough to need to beg or be homeless, and in fact, I'm not really. I got an inside place to be, and a very small check that allows me to feign arrogance if I can pull it off, and I usually can. That's why I'll die a lonely death. Because one of the first days it's all gonna catch up with me in the most inconvenient way possible. No blame. Every time I've died to date, I didn't really, but that can and will change, and I won't even know it.
I got nobody to struggle against. Nobody to argue much with. I just got shed of another guy who came over here to drink and bitch about his wife and family. I pushed David away from me for the same reason. These people weren't my friends, they just needed somebody to bitch to about their families and current girl friends. They were thoroughly convinced that what friends are for. Why would a married man think some twice-divorced guy would wanna hear about all their problems with women? I'm divorced because I didn't get along being married. It's my fault I ever listened to them in the first place.
I still haven't thought of something I wouldn't want to happen to me or someone I loved to write about. Lots of stuff I haven't wanted to happen to me has. True, I wouldn't want what has happened to me to happen to someone I love. They couldn't stand it for a week, whereas I learned how to cope for months and even years. No blame.
I wouldn't wanna be tortured and then murdered for my troubles. I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone I love either. But then, I gotta wonder whether I really love someone, and I've never been able to figure that out until it was too late to act like it when needed. I didn't know I actually loved the only woman I really loved until I had driven her off. I wouldn't want that to happen to anybody I loved, but it did. Our children. What I didn't wanna happen to me happened to my children. When someone dies, it's usually their children that take care of them. My children won't. No blame. I can only hope they'll take care of their mothers.
The way I feel right now is that I must have been putting death off in case I ever got the chance to see my second wife and her/our children. Now that I have seen them after all these years, I sorta think I have given up a little more than before. I did get to see my only legitimate grandchild too. She's beautiful, of course, and very charming. i asked her to pretend she was a model and pose for me. She was a natural. When we were done, I gave her a quarter and told her she was now a professional model, but to never settle for getting paid a quarter ever again.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
