So I'm still reading this book by Tom Patterson about a guy from Georgia who went to New York City (off and on) during the Great Depression to live because he was a little too different to stay in Georgia and express his true feelings. The book is called St. EOM In The Land Of Pasaquan. The EOM stood for Eddie Owens Martin. He made his living in New York City as a gay hustler and then returned to Georgia when he got old and proclaimed himself a saint because of the way he had suffered. No blame.
The saying about "If you can make it in New York, then you can make it anywhere" seemed to work for this guy in some ways. Despite that, he got run off from a lotta other places. This guy killed himself one rainy night in Georgia, and some might question whether making it New York counted when it came to being an old queen in the Bible Belt. There is something very sad about this man's life, but there is something very sad about most people. Some people cover it up better than others.
I wrote the author recently and told him this story reminded me of Jamie Herlihy. James Leo Herlihy wrote two books and probably other stuff too. He had one famous novel called Midnight Cowboy and another novel not quite as famous he entitled All Fall Down, which was my favorite of the two. His characters in these books reminded me of St. EOM. I not only think of Jamie's books as I currently read this book, because Jamie ended up murdering himself too. I seem to understand why both of them killed themselves. One poor as a church mouse, and the other rich and famous, sa-me result.
The steroids that brought such relief from the rheumatoid arthritis have worn completely off, and it's a very painful deal to type this blog entry. I can't even imagine it's not going to get worse, and eventually I won't be able to write at all. What a drag, man. Writing is about the only thing that gives me pleasure any more, and even that's being taken away. No blame. I've been a mean-spirited asshole all my life, and I guess I deserve it.
Many of the problems I've had in my life is because I'm such a talented liar. I can spin a tale that rings so true even I believe it for a while, but in the end I realize that I didn't get by with it at all. One of the lies I've convinced many people of is how liberal I am with lovers. I act like I can put up with any way they wanna act, and that's the furtherest thing from the truth. I'm not only jealous, but very possessive. Like a lotta men, I seem attracted to people that can't be owned, and they seem attracted to me. I got double-standards big time.
I keep waiting for the Sun to come back out. We've had cloudy, rainy weather seems like for weeks now. I'm guessing we've had at least 15 inches (38 cm) of rain in the last month alone. Back in the Spring we had the longest drought on record, and during the Summer we made up for that, and now it won't quit raining. I don't mind the rain so much, but the grey clouds hanging around for so long is depressing.
I wrote this paragraph in a post to a discussion group. I'm very pleased to have captured these drifting thoughts. Particularly the last line:
"Which makes me wonder? Is creating a defense against the experience of God not the sa-me process used to create one's own identity during puberty by rejecting the ways of the natal family? Isn't this the sa-me principle inherent in going on a vision quest to find one's familiar to put on an altar in the family's place?"
It makes me remember some of the contestants on the games shows where the emcee will interview them and ask them to say something about themselves. Some of the married contestants who have no children will proclaim proudly that instead of children they have pets that they treat like children. They say it like these pets are their familiars. Much like the black cats witches traditionally use as familiars to do their underhanded work.
Again, I reach for the saying from the Gospel of Thomas I seem to quote a lot:
55 Jesus said, "Whoever does not hate father and mother cannot be my disciple, and whoever does not hate brothers and sisters, and carry the cross as I do, will not be worthy of me."
http://users.misericordia.edu//davies/thomas/Trans.htm
I don't think many people would admit they use a beloved pet to replace the parents and siblings they hate as a substitute for religion, and metaphorically enshrine them like a golden calf on an altar. "Kick my dog, and you've kicked me." People will kill you for harming their pets, but they don't realize that what you've really done is disrespect their religion.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
