I woke up a little early this morning and realized I might as well get up rather than rolling over and going back to sleep. It's about time for me to ruin my chances of covering up certain parts of my past that would make it easier for certain people to like me and be proud to claim me as their friend. I feel compelled to offer them an excuse to bail out on such an opportunity for friendship or maybe even more, before they invest too much emotion than they might responsibly commit to.
For the most part, this un-new revelation won't surprise anybody who knows me a little more than casually. It's about leaving no stone unturned in regard to my curiosity about life. It's about me being a drunk and having lived a bisexual life style in my younger years, and subsequently, about how that resolved into calling myself a wino, and be-co-me-ing for all practical purposes, a sexless eunuch. A mere curiosity, as far as human beings go. In other words, not much like them in some ways, and altogether too much like them in others. I might be prepared to "fess up" to the truth of my life, but many people are not, and aye, matey, therein lies the rub.
My being what it is that I am seems to force some people to be as open and honest about their intimate past as I am is, and many, if not most, are not, for whatever reason, able to live with themselves when push comes to shove.
Ker-plunk! In goes my half-tablet of Prednisone for the day. I have three more days of taking a half of a 20 mg tablet, and I'll be done with the series. I started taking two whole pills a day for five days, then one and a half pills for five days, then one pill per day for five days, and now, one-half a day for five days, and when I take the last half this coming Thursday, I'm done. I was acting out a little more than usual as a result of taking this marvelous prescription drug even yesterday, much less earlier, on half a pill, and I'll probably still get that impulse for a few days after all the medicine is gone.
The people around me would eventually get bored with the hijinxs I've displayed for the last two weeks, including me (modesty is a trait I have to consciously work at), but as far as getting high is concerned, steroids (legal or no) is a hell of a ride. "Roid rage" is a well-documented response to unprescribed steroids used by athletes and body-builders. It's a good thing I'm not rich or lustily libidoed any more. I'd surely be tempted.
Actually, it's a good thing I'm not rich for any reason. I got fairly weak careactor. Whatta ya' expect from a person who had Saturn in Aries in their natal chart at birth? Aries is the weakest Sign Saturn can inhabit in anybody's natal chart. It's in it's Fall in Aries. I got bad habits all over the place. I'm a little like that kid Mikey in the TV ads. I'll eat anything.
One of the greatest temptations of my life is to hide the fact that I've exhibited unusual tastes during my past. I've watched people of all genders lose enthusiasm for being friends with me from many a great start. I really, REALLY don't wanna be honest with them. Honesty is not the best policy. That's an out-and-out lie that practically every adult with even average sense figures out for themselves as time goes by.
My youngest brother just sent out the link for the photographs he took at my daughter's wedding. I'm not going to go there for a while and look at them. At least until I get off the steroids. I don't have as much control over my emotions because of them, and even less control over myself because I know the way I've lived my life means we can never hope for a closer relationship than wot exists. I took a bunch of photographs with my own camera, but I haven't downloaded them on to my computer for the same reasons. I can't get happy and enthuse over the results for fear of betraying somebody's trust.
The significant others in my life that are significant without much choice would be pleased even now if I would just shut up and not bring my bad habits into the public arena again, ever. The problem I have with this is that I've just lived too long to ignore the fact that no matter when or how it comes up, is how they'll respond in the moment. It's that little winch they try to hide that kills.
Granted, I might as well let the dead stay buried for the sake of other people, but when these facts out themselves for whatever reason, it's the significant others in my life that are able to walk away and pretend I mean nothing to them or worse, that they mean nothing to me. It hurts for them to ask me to act like our relationship means nothing for their sake. I do it though. Why would I not?
"Jeannie, I know what love is." ~ Forrest Gump
On the contrary, I get accused (more frequently than the average mean) of being the most manipulative person the speaker might know of universally, and further accused of adopting any attitude or disposition necessary to get my own way (hopefully, idyl-ly, without blame). In other words, I got no couth. I got no "Never mind!", I'll do whatever it takes. If possible, without shame. That's what men who explore shame (shamen)... do.
I been framed. I could have been a contendah! But, I was far too curious about just what I might have to let go off to cop to the attitude that would undermine even the the cockiest, most lion-hearted hero of all ti-me? I can't even imagine a more duplicitous personality than mine, elsewise I'd go throw myself at their feet in abject adoration. Well... maybe.
Something like this has got to be true. Either I'm the world's greatest hero or it's most shameful sycophant. How could I possibly live thinking myself anything in between the extreme ends of the spectrum? Even this confession is a lie. I disclaim knowing the truth fairly frequently. Here in writing for the world to see. True, I can't imagine who I would eat steaming shit-out-of-a-porcelein-dish for, in order to save them from a certain death, even I got my limits. On the other hand, I seem willing to hang practically anybody out to dry, even at my own inconvenience, and I forgive myself by knowing why.
I can't promise fidelity or exclusivity to the other because of my own self-witnessing. I used to think I could back in the days of my idealized youth, and for some autistic years beyond, but this all comes down to one sorry trait of being human I find impossible to ignore, I don't trust myself, and I can't blame anybody else for not trusting me either.
If the urge of curiosity I make a fool out of myself for is strong enow, I'll even betray God.
From The Gospel of Thomas:
44 Jesus said, "Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will not be forgiven, either on earth or in heaven."
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http://users.misericordia.edu//davies/thomas/Trans.htm
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
