It's been a couple of weeks since I stopped consuming dairy products. At least the products I know contain dairy. The problems I've had defecating have gone away for the time being. I don't know if this is just a temporary lull or something i can depend on. I think that when I found out that dairy was okay on the low-carb Atkins-type diet I was following, I guess I went a little crazy, and indeed, overboard with the dairy thing. Especially cheese. Oops, I just realized when I wrote about cheese, that I am eating cheese crackers. Damn! I love those little crackers. This may not be that much of a problem as long as i don't overdo it.
In an odd sort of way I'm trying to reduce my diet to it's most simple elements of what i need physically, not psychologically. I seem convinced that what I need psychologically is getting the best of me. I weigh 250 pounds. That's at least fifty more pounds than I weighed when I got outta high school with a 32 inch (81 cm) waist. I'm down to two pair of pants I can get into, and my belt is in it's last notch, and too tight. What a drag, man.
The side-effect of nausea that comes with the territory of this prescription drug methotrexate has a lot to do with what tastes "acceptable" to me. Last night I ate an avocado with some mayonnaise, salt, and pepper, and could barely get it down my gullet. Lots of foods are affecting me this way. To the point, practically, that if I ate only what i could reasonably stomach I'd starve to death. If I'm gonna starve to death, then there's no sense in taking this medicine that makes me feel like I'm dying.
More and more, as time goes by, I'm impressed that people do what they do to impress a certain person or clique or crowd or group or class of society. I deliberately accuse some people of behaving this way in the e-mail discussion groups I participate in, and their response to such an accusation seems excessive at times. They don't wanna be accused of such a thing. They don't seem to wanna be so obvious.
What I'm writing about is like being in a room full of lusty young men who are chatting away about guy things, and a beautiful, impregnable woman enters that room. Procreation with all it's rituals comes into play, and all's fair in love and war. I made myself sensitive to this sort of interchanges between people when they're responding or reacting primarily to instinct.
I think this is one of the primary reasons I can't be married or even live with a woman for very long, in the past. I've written "in the past", because I've been fairly abstinent for the last thirty years. By having a vasectomy done around 1980, I have effectively been neutered, and I'm not moved by these dynamics except out of habit, and that habit has been culled out over time. I get to watch other people react to primary instinctual behavior who might swear it was not their motivation. Yes, it is.
When I was reading again in Sartre's Being and Nothingness he said that "desire" was the foundation of the for-itself, and when desire no longer operated as an incentive, then the for-itself was non-existent. I haven't mulled this tidbit around enough to get a sense of whether it's true for me or no, but it's beginning to look like it just might be so.
I eat different foods in runs. Recently, it's been frying up pork sausage, then frying some eggs in the grease it leaves in the skillet. Very tasty. I've been making a sausage and egg sandwich using sourdough bread slathered with copious amounts of Duke's mayonnaise, and that's all. Salt and pepper, maybe, and I'm good to go. It goes really well with cheap red burgundy.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
