To Give As Good As I Got

A NLP experiment. Two high speed cameras set up in an ordinary room that has two doors facing each other. Two strangers who had never met were positioned outside of the two opposing doors that lead into the room where the cameras are trained on the doors. On signal, the two men open the doors and moved toward each other at the center of the room and shook hands. That was all that happened. When the high-speed film was analyzed forty thousand different subliminal cues were exchanged by the two strangers in the time it took them to meet in the center of the room and grasp hands. The world is not always made with words, but nuances of great subtlety. I think the persona we each create with the rules of conscience we adopt is at the bottom of our every motive and is the drummer we each march to. Maybe it's Jesus as a docetic spirit. I think some aspect of ourselves can make sense of those rapid-fire forty thousand cues that happen at every chance encounter. 
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nemesis_(mythology)

From the Mac Dictionary:

nemesis |ˈneməsis|
noun ( pl. -ses |-ˌsēz|) (usu. one's nemesis)
the inescapable or implacable agent of someone's or something's downfall : the balance beam was the team's nemesis, as two gymnasts fell from the apparatus.
• a downfall caused by such an agent : one risks nemesis by uttering such words.
• (often Nemesis) retributive justice : nemesis is notoriously slow.
ORIGIN late 16th cent.: Greek, literally ‘retribution,’ from nemein ‘give what is

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The part of the Dictionary description that attracts me is the part about a nemesis acting as someone's agent. I don't think people who become another's nemesis even know why they're doing it.

It's happened to me many times. People who get to know me as a friend want me to stay the same person they felt friendly toward for the rest of my life for their sakes. No matter what happens to them or how they alter their own lifestyles, they seem to think I should stay the same to give them stability in a relationship they trusted. It's not going to happen.

Why not? Because I won't let them use me this way. I got this body when it was fourteen years old, It's parents didn't know their offspring had a new master. They wanted me to be their conjugal creation on and on, just like before, when I had oodles more lifetime experiences than both of them put together. Admittedly, I could have been more polite.

I was friends with several people I had known for a long time as a person they knew as "Jim". Jim had a vasectomy and wasn't capable of being Jim anymore.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasectomy

All the people who had known that man Jim were in for a rude surprise. When I could no longer be Jim for them anymore they became my nemesis. They were agents for some Jim person whose life ended under the deft hands of a surgeon using a scalpel, a pair of surgical scissors, a loop or two of sutures around the folded back vas diferens, sew the small incision in my now defunct scrotum up, and that's all she wrote for ol' Jim. RIP

That's when I became felix. A human being has to be what they are, and when they aren't what they were anymore, they have to become what they can be. felix is what I became after I couldn't make babies anymore due to having a vasectomy performed. felix indifferently recognizes himself for all practical purposes as a eunuch. Worthy only of guarding harems. The Wikipedia article explains why things could be seen this way. I'm more okay with it than I could have preyed for.

I definitely felt threatened by Jim's old friends. They seemed to want to kill felix to bring Jim back to life. Some unquestionably loved him once. They seemed not to have a clue how threatening their behavior was. It's like they were trying to protect the memory of an old friend against all pretenders. They put their friendship on the line for his sake, and so they had to go away.

Allowing that I pretty much have the same attitude as an eunuch evidences itself in the vast increase in detachment toward the other's desire for emotional investments. That's only for events and behaviors that hopefully lead to procreation. The vasectomy nipped that desired end in the bud.

Indulging in lovey dovey behavior that can lead ultimately to procreation amounts to being a fraud. Why would i do that. To fool some sincere woman into thinking I could provide her with what men are there for in order to merely enjoy recreational sex with her under false pretenses? That's too dishonest for me.

Maybe it wasn't at first. I was open about having a vasectomy. I literally thought it would be a turn-on for women to have as much sex with me as they liked, and they'd never get pregnant. It was a total turn-off instead. That put the final feather in my cap. I understood something deeper and more abiding than I could have as a stud animal.

It provided me with a sense of compassion for the human animal I could have never acquired otherwise. A compassion for how little they've learned and how easily it is for them to ignore that all there is to life is to be baby factories to produce progeny who produced progeny. The urge to life is the only purpose of being.

My oldest daughter, whose wedding I attended in Seattle just sent pictures of the sonogram of her first baby. Her younger sister has a five-year old. All of my children who can have children have had children. My duty to life as we know it is done. If all I have left to offer is compassion, then I guess I'm now able to give as good as I got.