I'm Innocent, I Tell Ya', A Victim Of Circumstance

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I was watching the Wimbleton Finals the first time Roger Federer win. The beauty of his movement astounded me, and I knew he would win because of the way he used his feet. In the past, when I watched the beauty contests on TV, I was able many times to tell who the winner would be well before the elimination process brought it down to the ten finalists because of the way the women walked.

I don't think such grace can be taught or learned from modeling the other's behaviors. The other women who also had other attributes and talents that looked great, and in some instances, maybe a little better than the eventual winner I picked. I only wish I could pick the horses and lottery winners in such a way.

There were periods yesterday I found it difficult to contain myself. I reached points of understanding about music theory I've been attempting to grok for most of my life. The only course I ever took in music theory at college I failed because I didn't have enough of a background in reading music to play instruments. I'm beginning to believe I've acquired enough about reading and writing musical notation that I might be able to hang with a musical theory college-level course now. I might not pass it with any better than a mediocre grade, but I think I might get by with a passing grade.

I didn't know for sure, but I've thought all along that I needed a portal to make sense out of all the notes and chords so that I could accompany myself singing on the piano like I have done with the guitar and other instruments in the past. I could play just about any pop song or hymnal or patriotic song I learned as a child on the guitar to accompany my singing, but not on the piano.

I don't ever expect to be able to sight read sheet music. Reading other people's compositions is not the point of my attempting to make music. I learn what I wanna know of other people's ideas of what music amounts to by listening. I learn to out my own music by doing. Just like I learn what I got on my mind by writing, not thinking. Thinking is so slow and passe.

It's getting more difficult not to just take the prescribed painkillers in just the way the doctors have dictated in writing. Three times a day. I'm afraid if I do that I'll get hooked, and form a habit like smoking that might prove extremely difficult to manage. There is some part of me that I'm very familiar with that I'd like to give it up to. Especially when I think about what used to be my own families.

It's my fault that the marriages fell apart in both cases, and both had to do with "tuning in, turning on, and dropping out." It's Timothy Leary's fault. LOL

I don't believe that, of course, I entertained a lotta different ways of looking at life from early on before Timothy Leary acted out with his junk. The psychiatrists and psychologists I sat with told me they thought it was because I got confused about religion. In my opinion, I wasn't confused, but frustrated. I've been able to "see" through the hypocrisy since early childhood. Most children do, in my opinion (what else I got?), but they eventually give in to the desires and needs of their caretakers, and give up their disgruntlement with hypocrisy and go along to get along. I kinda wish I had too, but it didn't work out that way.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I thought I owed it to myself to get psycho-analysed despite the fact that I couldn't afford to pay them because I was a bum. That's never stopped me from getting what I really wanna have. I turned the whole deal into just another government sponsored four-year scholarship after my GI Bill with extensions ran out. I applied to see a psychologist through the community health group at the college I attended on scholarship. I ended up getting psychoanalyzed for a dollar a session, part of which happened at Duke University where I'm getting treatment for rheumatoid arthritis via the VA Hospital across the street now.

My interaction with governments and bureaucracies is indicated by my natal astrology chart. It ought not to work the way it does, but I got aspects of opposition in two areas of my chart that cause practically all the troubles and all the rewards I get outta life. The one that affects my personal life the most is the opposition of the planet Neptune to the Venus/Jupiter conjunction located in the sign Neptune rules, Pisces.

There's another aspect to the conjunction of Venus/Jupiter in Pisces, and that's a trine to Pluto in Cancer by both planets. I don't know how Pluto being demoted to being a cluster of small planetoids instead of one small planet means. Previous to this new astronomical pronouncement, it was my natal chart ruler. It ruled the whole of my chart, so it's gotta mean something. I haven't decided what yet, and yet, it IS up to me, and that's the trick and the paradox of learning what's wot about life and about astrology.

The other oppositions besides the Neptune one to it's native sign is not about signs and houses so much as it is about certain planetary aspects relating to the planet Mars. Mars in my natal chart is located in the sign Capricorn where it's exalted. Mars in Capricorn is as good as it gets for Mars and all that it represents. Especially in regard to it's relation to Mars as the Greek god of war.

Capricorn is ruled by the planet Saturn. Saturn has it's own attributes. This influence on Mars being located in Saturn's home sign contains it's notorious reputation for being ready and eager for a fight at the slightest hint of a option to fight being there.

Mars rules the sign of Aries. Saturn rules the sign of Capricorn. That's why having Mars in Capricorn and having Saturn located in Aries becomes a situation of mutual reception. Both planets are located in each other's sign of rulership, and in square aspectual relationship. A "square aspect" means the planets are 90° apart, whereas an "opposition aspect" means the planets in the sky above are in a 180° relationship at the moment of birth.

Imprints. Ya' gotta think "imprints" if you wanna understand how to use astrology as a system for thinking about things. It's the ambient environment a child is born into that chooses the child's direction in life more than any other factor in my opinion. YMMV

Having Mars and Saturn in mutual reception at the ti-me of my birth is not an opposition like Neptune and the two benefics Venus and Jupiter is, it's worse. Square aspects between planets when a native is born and draws it's first breath are the pits, man, but I'm not only lucky because of the Venus/Jupiter conjunction (even opposed by Neptune), but I'm lucky because I only have two squares in my natal chart and two oppositions. I have thirty-three beneficial aspects.

The other opposition is not between planets. It's between the location of my natal Sun in zero degree, two minutes Taurus and my chart Ascendent, six degrees Scorpio. This not only represents a problem for me, personality-wise, but for the other who can't tell whether I'm lying to them or to myself. Neither can I. What a drag, man.

The problem lies in the fact that my daily goals are ruled by the uninhabited Scorpio ascendent, and my life goals are represented by the Sun (conjoined to the descendant) in Taurus. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but fortunately, neither does anyone else. Well, I say that, but I did meet this young (at the ti-me) Scorpio woman in Key West that just might have. I screwed that up, of course, by choosing the woman who was to become my eventually disenchanted second wife over her. Bad move, but not unusual at all in my life. I still think I chose love over adventure for a change.
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