When Is Enough, Enow?

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A person sitting alone in their house out in the wood interacting with the digital world via their computer has no me-and-thee-ing (meaning)? With the question being: Is meaning necessary for integrity to ex-is-t. Perhaps, can integrity ex-is?

I figure it has to. Individuation can only happen as the result of denying what ain't me to institute nothingness as a barrier beyond the pale of the cosmic soup that serves as a ground-of-being for a subjective persona that represents the core of that wot upsurged originally from the All, that of which can only be said, yet remains whole if unspoken, it IS.

That may be a big deal for me to understand, but I don't exactly know why. I find myself randomly thinking about it frequently. I almost feel guilty about not needing to be around people physically anymore, if I ever did. In reflection, I seem to have spent much of my life trying to get away from being surrounded by the obligations I seem to find myself pledged to in some form or fashion.

I just wrote an e-mail to my ex-wife. She seems a little more willing to communicate presently, but that may be a delusion on my part. When I went to her (our?) daughter's wedding last year we spoke face to face for the first time in nearly thirty years. What she talked about most was what she called "our connection".

She was careful to tell me that our children were "her" children, but the psychic connection between us is "our connection". Sometimes, I think I married a dim-witted bitch and that's the exact source of our marital problems, but I'm projecting, so what's the point?

I composed my post to her as if we were only physically separated, but that "our connection" can be problematic when the news on TV is about forest fires that might be near where she supposedly lives in California. "Her" youngest daughter also lives somewhere in California, and I don't know where she lives either. I don't wanna know if that very knowledge might be considered malevolent.

There's a chance we might be able to correspond in a civil manner that would alleviate the responses I get on my end of "our connection". I guess I'm attempting to suggest that "our connection" is not a one-way affair. A channel of conscious communication between us might alleviate some of the worries she doesn't understand the source of either.

The truth of this situation is far from my ability to comprehend in reflection. I can only understand how this sort of thing happens in real time in the specious present as it reveals itself. If I attempt to store this plausibly unconvincing argument in long-term memory in order to contemplate it's possible me-and-thee-ing at my leisure, it just becomes a distorted bunch of crap that's not useful for alleviating my recurring angst.

What I'm actually exploring, as far as I am is consciously aware of in the beta state, is what I started writing this entry about. Do I actually need the face-to-face part of a relationship to enjoy it, and to use it as I ordinarily would if we were still sleeping in the sa-me bed together? I really liked that part of it, and feel deprived.

I sorta don't think we've been unfaithful to each other in that way, but only because we don't seem capable of doing it. It's ludicrous for me to assume her co-dependency in this way or would be, if she hadn't taken exception to point it out when we chatted in Seattle. She thinks I know her better than I'm actually aware of, but seem to act like I do anyway. I always have to go too far with this woman to grok when I've gone far enough. There are perfectly good labels that...

In fact, I'm fairly positive I can't be "in love" with another woman. Mostly because I've ever been all that sure I was "in love" romantically. I write that with so-me confidence because I tried to be "in love" with other women more than once. As usual, even when I was younger, I didn't perform the physical part of it very well in the first place, but that may have been forgivable to some large degree for moot reasons.

In the second place, however, I couldn't commit myself to those other women emotionally. There was one I particularly regretted not giving to. They never felt emotionally met because there's no room in my heart for another. Currently. Presently. Here in the Eternal Now! Nor has there been for thirty years. But, I got a thang about change and thirty year cycles.

My first wife was the culmination of my first thirty year phase of life, my second wife dominated the second thirty-year part, but I'm ten years into my third thirty-year cycle... and it looks emptier and even mo' bleak than ever when it comes to affairs of the heart. My grandchildren should theoretically be the love of my life now, but they don't know me, and regrettably, I don't know them either. C'est la vie...
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