♔
Again I've waited until dark before I sit down to write something. I've taken two naps today. I think my lethargic feelings are associated with this new medicine. I shot myself up with it again this morning. It doesn't help with the pain symptoms as much as the methotrexate. It doesn't matter. It's an incurable progressive disease. I'm still in as much denial as I can get by with, but it's different to live without any hope things will be better in the future.
I frequently resort to my favorite description of the eternal now, and call it "the specious present". To give this descriptor legs to walk on I have to cop a specious attitude about what God is to me, in order to not be enraptured with it or believe in it or cling to the possibilities what's sot before my attention from the future, then perceive it from every perspective possible, and let it smoothly transition to the past without a hitch. To make that happen I have to view the incoming as plausible without being convinced it's claims are worth following it into it's mortal past.
Some people want for their ideal existence what they figure the world oughta be like, and figure this ideal world is the end all and be all of ex-is-tense. Not me. It's natural that I would disagree with this outlook, in consideration of my mimicking and imitating of anything I see as a real advantage toward my survival as an individuated individual. The real problem I have is what to prey or pray for. This point of view has a "fight or flight" touch to it. A yin/yang quality of; if this, then that, about it. My favorite saying about duality remains, however, "neti/neti", not this, not that. Negation from start to finish.
If I stopped denying that you're not me I'd lose consciousness. Maybe it's this new medicine's affect on me, but I am is about to go to bed and do just that. Nothing personal, of course.
♕
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
