Miscellaneous Missives of Good Will

❧

It was a simple act, but I felt emotional while carrying it out. There has been a paper grocery bag laying around my house in which some of the things my ex-wife left here when she took our children and left me here alone. It wasn't much, but it was the only physical evidence I had left from that era of my life. Since I'll never see them or my grandchildren again it seem prudent to send it off and free myself of some blame.

There were three framed cross stitch pieces my wife had sewn while she was pregnant. They were left on the wall of my parent's house when she left for California, and some notes my kids sent to their grandparents they never saw again. Dead now. Two baby pictures and some kindergarten drawings and painting.

Once I took the cross stitch pieces out of their frame I was able to stuff all of it into one of those prepared envelopes at the post office, and after I printed the address of my oldest daughter in Washington state (the only address I've ever had of any of them). I paid the clerk's asking fee and off they went. It only took ten years to get around to doing it.

I'm trying to put my house in order so there won't be much for the ghouls to sort through after I croak has become a minor priority in my life. I cleaned out my attic a few months ago. It's completely bare. Probably about like my brain cavity.

Most of the stuff I have now are tools I'll probably never use again, but I just might need them if I don't die soon. That's my real question. What if I don't die anytime soon, but life just drags out for another ten, maybe twenty years. Taking pills is the most of my activity except for cooking and writing.

I do have a few other activities I indulge daily or should be according to me. I play the major and minor scales on my digital piano. Recently, instead of just following the Circle of Fifths in one direction I've taken to moving in the opposite direction also.

It's the same scales, but in a different order. After having learned and played these scales in just one direction, playing them in a different order causes me to hesitate. My efforts are becoming smoother incrementally and there are fewer hesitations in between the various keys.

Singing the vowels is something I've taken to doing every day now. I suspect that not talking because I live alone has a detrimental affect on my mental resources. By that I mean to indicate that the two .sig files I've been using for about a month now are essential to my overall understanding. Namely: Speech is mind. Mind is speech. And, In the bejinning wuz the woid.

Not speaking because there is nobody here to talk to could lead to me becoming not only a mute person, but not speaking could be the cause of dementia to some degree, if not Alzheimer's. Singing the vowels is an activity I really enjoy if I get into a flow. I can get to feeling really joyous when everything gets easy. What is easy is simple.

After I left the State Hospital in full awareness, finally, that I might be a bit depressed, but not insane, I realized in fact that I can personally change my mind and act completely differently than previously. One of the ways I have of changing my mind is to change my speech. Singing the vowels in order to find the pure note of each of them works just dandy.

Of all the vowels, singing "e" is the most tragedy-laden. The perfect example is singing the national anthem. It's difficult to get it right, and the easiest part to screw up on is "the land of the free". Getting a good, clean e-note when singing the "free" word can be tradigidous.

Who hasn't heard a series of people trying to sing the national anthem at sports events sound horrible. If they're gonna screw up, it's usually gonna be hitting the e-note while singing that one word, "free". If they can just get the free word out with some confidence and power, I can usually see the joy they made it in their faces.

It sure makes me feel good if I can get that high e-note with clarity. Even when I've been practicing daily I find it difficult to predict with any accuracy that I'll get there as if it was easy. Lately, however, I sense that I'm learning how to reach for it with more predictability.

Granted, I don't have a lot of confidence in this method yet. What it's about is learning to balance the sound from my vocal cords between where it goes up into my nasal cavities and out of my mouth. In the past, I think I made some big effort to keep from having a nasal sound to my voice because it's considered hoky.

If that's what happened it may have been a mistake. Sometime my voice breaks when I try to take the e-note from a low range to a higher range. It happens regularly. Infrequently, after I've warmed up, and I begin to get a clear e-note up and down the scale I'm singing, I notice that I'm aiming the sound and my breath up toward the nasal cavities.

Aiming my breath in this way is constantly hard for me to remember from one practice session to the next in regard to the e-note. the other vowels seem easier. I work to develop some power in presenting each vowel sound. To me, that means I can get pushy and keep a lucid tone issuing forth throughout the range.

Doing this is weird. There's no future in it. I hardly ever sing in front of other people. I sang a gospel hymn at the Solstice bonfire in front of my brother and his wife and a friend. It came out okay, and they seem impressed enough to applaud. In my opinion, singing and chanting help keep my mind about me.

❦