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It's December the 25th in the Christian world, but probably just another day in the boondocks for most other people and places. Google has a Blog Search dealio that I have bookmarked. When I click on it, a summary of the day's blogs from all over the world pop up. It gives me a little better view of what's happening in the world other than the Six O'clock News.
This morning I saw a link and a header that caused me some curiosity. A famous man died and is to be cremated today with thousands of people in attendance. I have never heard of this man. I didn't know where the ceremony was taking place. I'm sure I could not pronounce his name without lots of practice.
http://www.asianetindia.com/news/karunakaran-cremated-today-thrissur_224591.html
I clicked the link because of my curiosity to find out what country in the world this event was taking place, and soon realized he was a grassroots hero in some part of India. Moreover, from the little I read, I realized that he was the kind of man my parents would have been proud of me for being, but nothing like that ever happened or ever will happen. They're dead, and I'm "coming in on a wing and a prayer."
Maybe I should be ashamed of not seeking fame and glory to please my parents or my lovers or my children. It's not that I don't feel shame for failing them or them failing me. The "holiday blues" have wreaked havoc on me for the last couple of days. I found myself wishing for the others who have played a significant role in my life that I had come through for them if for no other reason than for the sake of appearances.
I don't feel any reciprocity for the angst and regrets engendered by the time of the year. It's as if I never mattered to them when we were together. If anything, I sense they're pleased to have me out of their sight, and thus out of their minds for the rest of eternity. No blame.
My father never apologized for using me as his whipping boy, literally, during a period of time when his job and family were threatened by his lack of some statecraft appropriate for dealing with such matters. I was the obvious choice because I'm apparently touched by a bit of autism, and who else would you choose to take your frustrations out on but the dumb kid?
I don't know what sort of autism to call it, but I don't worry about hurting people's feelings too much. I never really learned to share when I was a child. I was an accomplished thief by the time I entered puberty, and didn't know and couldn't be convinced it was wrong for me to take what I felt was my share of life without regret.
Eventually, this caused me to seek a path that led to my not wanting things. I had to artificially institute attitudes that didn't allow taking what I wanted from the world because my doing that was an embarrassment to my caretakers. I wasn't trusted to be myself, so I had to learn to imitate people society approved of. Who else have you heard of that got kicked out of the Boy Scouts AND Alcoholics Anonymous?
It doesn't take much to remind people I'm just putting on an act about being humble. I went to acting school to learn to give them what they get, but behind what I let the world make up their mind about there is the same old me that might or might not give any quarter for what I consider to be over-strenuous efforts to push beyond my veil of forgiveness.
It works both ways. If I retreat back across it I forget how nice and polite the world expects me to be for their sake, and if they follow me into my domain they forget what they entered my rabbit hole for and who they "thought" they were that they might do such a stupid thing.
Nothing is going to happen except that I might not allow them to go back to being who-they-thought-they-were. What punishment could be worse? For the most part they have not stored their riches in heaven, and what they prized in their old life is no longer available for them to delude themselves with.
Whatta drag, man. Been there. Done that. How else could I have added this dynamic to felix the cat's bag of tricks? I am is did not intend it to be so. There was no grand plan. There couldn't have bien. I attempt solely to live within eternal change. To do that I gotta let a lotta things pass without being duped.
"... I'm leaving
on a freight train.
Don't know
when I'll be back again.
Oh, babe, I hate to go..."
~ AU
Those lyrics just come to me to signify a whoosh I voluntarily enter or I don't get to go at all. I have to throw everything that has meant anything to me in the past or the whoosh ain't there to decide about anymore. I am is truly sorry and apologetic if you were one of the girls I left behind.
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I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
