I can't sleep much at night because it hurts to roll over or move in the bed much at all. But, mostly, I'm very emotionally sensitive and find myself reviewing some of the terrible mistakes I made in my life with people.
There was a series of incidents that happened during my twenties, because i don't know the difference between love and lust. They're both the same to me, but apparently not to others. It took a long time for me to understand what the truth in each situation was. Some people I've actually loved for their character and integrity, and what I felt emotionally was sorta like respect or gratitude, and yet I mistook our shared feeling for lust. Nothing ever happened physically in any of these incidents. The humiliation I suffered happened when I said things that indicated I had mistaken their fond intentions, and they were disappointed I had taken their efforts to help me prepare myself for the world seemed to offend them beyond belief.
I had a female teacher in high school who went out of her way to help me understand my potential. After I had gotten out of high school and joined the Navy, I came home on leave and went by her house intentionally to seduce her. I wasn't a high school boy any more or her student. I went over there convinced that's what she had always wanted. The hurt look on her face turned to anger. She rightfully demanded I leave her property and never come back. I left immediately, horrified with myself, and I never saw her again. I still wonder how I could have made such a faux pas and acted on it. Events like this was what made me wonder if I was truly insane.
Sometime when I remember incidences like this in my life, it astounds me that I would ever be able to distinguish other people's thoughts and feelings as right or wrong compared with mine. The incident with this teacher remains a puzzle for me. I see these incidences in the media recently where female high school teachers get caught having sex with their students. It makes me wonder if I didn't interpret my teacher's feeling correctly. Even if nothing happened, that doesn't mean she didn't feel what I felt like she did.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
