My sister-in-law from next door came driving up on her riding lawn-mower pulling two toy John Deere tractors with her twin grandsons on them in tow. Today's their birthday. Both her and my brother always seem to come by here when the boys visit to get us familiar with each other. It's hard to believe they're two years old. Both of them spoke some words to me. I don't know what the words were, but at least they spoke. I've been amazed forever at how young children just stare at whatever with such complete absorption. If I just had a switch to turn on in myself that would bring that mode back to me, I could learn anything.
I've had the Powerball (Seventeen) for two consecutive drawings now, and didn't get any other numbers to go with it. How am I ever gonna get rich with that kind of lousy luck?
I got your snail mail letter. No, we won't be driving to my daughter's wedding in Seattle. We will be flying there and back so I won't be able to stop by Montana. My younger brother travels quite a bit in keeping up his business. He is arranging the entire trip and all I'll have to do is go along to get along. Otherwise, I might not go. I could hitch-hike there and back, but toting the clothes I'll need to go to a wedding might be cumbersome on the road. I feel like an idiot enough as it is.
I have to buy a suit. I haven't owned one for thirty years or more. Even when I married my children's mother I didn't have a suit. I lose and gain weight so frequently it's hard for me to keep clothes that fit when I need them to. All those people except for my ex-wife are fairly rich, and she would be too if she hadn't fucked up and fell in love with me. Stupid woman. That's why I'm glad my brother and his wife are going with me. I'm no true representative of my own natal family.
On the other hand, my careless attitude toward money might be one of the reasons my ex-wife married me. I can't just use money to entertain either myself or others and be happy about it, but have to come up with something amusing out of the dark recesses of my mind. I know how to do that with just about anybody around, but I'm a very selfish, disgruntled person who holds back on people if they don't exhibit some sort of self-sufficiency about entertaining themselves without paying for it.
I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out why I did what I did. I haven't done what I do because of the way I was taught or trained myself to be for a long time now, and I haven't always known that either. I keep writing about my remembering vision, but without knowing why I'm doing that. I think I know now. I'm usually wrong when I say that I arrogantly claim lucidity about some topic, but this is different.
Either another experiential database replaced the one I created myself just by living my life in the usual way, or the database I use now was installed during my remembering vision. It may have been around the whole time, and the event of my remembering vision revealed it to me on a conscious basis. The result either way is that I"m using that database associated with my remembering vision to gauge or measure the value of my current events.
I know it seems crazy, but I experienced/saw/realized every life/body I've participated in since I arrived on Earth billions of Earth years ago during that remembering vision. I'm not deliberately lying about this, but I can't prove I'm telling the truth either. Granted, I'm just desperate enough to try to pull this off, but I'm not big enough to pull it off even on my best days as a liar. Currently, and for over thirty years now, when I see an animal over there being itself, and no more, I experience it's being, as having been that animal in the past. and currently in real time experience it's relationship to what it's become that I am is now. The experiential database I use to address the world now is billions of years thick. In my remembering vision it only took about 10-15 minutes real time to BE all that I have been.
One thing's for sure. I have to say it. I can't afford to go along with other people's idea of what they're doing here so they will feel comfortable around me. I know how to do that. The temptation can be overpowering. It would be the easiest thing for me to do. I don't care if other people think I'm crazy for uttering the truth as I understand it using this other database, but I do care about how it affects my families. I say that, but I still find myself being true to my total experience rather than what happened just in this life time, whatever the price.
How can I tell people I love them more than anything else in the world when it's not true. I love them, but with reservation. I love something else more. Nobody knows. For sure, I can't speak it. I'll use the description Ben refined for me:
We are not human beings on a spirit quest, we are spiritual beings on a human quest. ~ Ben J. Miller
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I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
