I hate being insane. I went to the dentist yesterday to have the tooth checked out. They finally got around to x-raying it, and the only problem was that it was chipped, and not anywhere near a nerve. He repaired it for me. He used so much Novocain it took almost to bedtime to finally get back to normal. So, the tooth isn't the source of my problems with arthritis. Fixing it didn't do anything in regard to the pain.
I tossed and turned all night and couldn't find but one way I could lay without something hurting. Before i got up this morning that one way of laying was sore. I got up. Why lay there? Of course, I was in pain from more than the usual arthritis this morning. On my way to go upstairs to sleep I stumped my toe on my right foot. It literally hit so hard it knocked it out of joint. My hands and wrists hurt so bad I couldn't yank it back in place, so this morning it's still off to one side
When I went to make some oatmeal to have something on my stomach when I took the 800 mg of ibuprofen, the box of oatmeal and the ceramic cup I use to measure it out is located on a shelf above my head. I haven't been able to reach that high and deal with the weight of it on the way down to counter level with my right arm for some time, but I could do it with my left hand and arm. This morning I had a hard time doing even that.
I've finally learned how to cook oatmeal in the microwave so it will come out like I like it. I put the correct amount of water in my bowl and heat it up in the microwave first, then add the oatmeal to the hot water and let the oatmeal soak in it before I put in the raisins and cook it for two minutes. The microwave is located on a shelf about head high. Like reaching for the box of oatmeal, I've been able to lift the small bowl of water up to the microwave with my left hand,
This morning after the initial heating of the water happened I almost dropped the hot water bringing it back down to counter level and spilt hot water on my hands. Scalding hot water hurts, of course, and before I knew it I was just weeping in frustration and pain. I don't know why I bothered. Nobody is here but me to comfort me. This is what I get for being crazy. I think insanity must be a sin one gets punished for. That's the way it's always worked for me since childhood. I've always been "different'.
My brother called me and ask me to come over to his house to help him decide on the arrangements for flying to Seattle for my daughter's second marriage. I probably wouldn't go if he and his wife wasn't going with me. It's not all for me they're doing it, he has a friend he was on the publishing board of trustees with that lives near there, and he's been looking an excuse to go out there. We'll probably stay at his house for a couple of days before the wedding.
I don't really wanna see my ex-wife again. I did her wrong, but it won't a one-way trip by a long shot. I tried to do right by her when she got pregnant, but after that it seemed like she wanted to punish me by emasculating me. She did a good job. We even had a second child together, by whom I now seem to be a grandfather to a child I've never seen. She and her mother have had twenty five years to turn me into the biggest son-of-a-bitch that ever lived. I keep asking myself why I would go out there to give them the opportunity to hurt me even more.
At least her mother died. She hated me from the time we first talked on the phone. My daughter told me that her grandmother had told her at every opportunity how much she hated me. I never did nothing to that woman to deserve the abuse I got from her, but to marry her daughter so she wouldn't abort my child. Now, they all hate me for just trying to do right. What a fool I was to go along. They needed a fool to look respectable and to give the child a legitimate father, and that's what they got. For a little while.
I don't want my grand-daughter to see me. She don't stand a chance of doing anything but hate me after the way all those Stanley women have told her what a monster I am is. She'll be scared to death of me at first sight. No blame. I think that's why I was invited to the wedding in the first place, they wanted my grand-daughter to see for herself that they were right about me all along.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
