Nothingness, Or Else?

I'm not writing about regrets now. It's not possible that I would regret an event not ever happening because what needed to be there for that event to have happened was out hunting truffles. It wouldn't even matter if I hadn't been hunting truffles at the time, and I wasn't. That's because I'm looking for a way to get into describing a dynamic I've been exploring, and I haven't come up with much of an acceptable approach.

I wanna write about how my reading Jean-Paul Sartre's masterwork, Being And Nothingness caused me to suspect he was saying tha homo-sapiens exhibit a species-wide flaw of not being able to realize and act upon what's possible for them in real time. I've agreed with this notion in the past, and I wonder if what I'm agreeing upon is not something I invented myself instead of it being Sartre's intention to make this sort of claim. In any case, reading Sartre's book has impacted my mental life like nothing else has for a long time.

The descriptions I've offered ere now to how I process abstract thought has been at best haphazard and unwieldy. So be it. Amen! It's all I got, come hail or high water. It's the species-wide flaw rap that's held my attention for longer than I usually hang on to anything abstract.

There is the possibility that I've just gone nuts and took Sartre as an excuse to make up some wild shit just for my own amusement. I'm perfectly capable, and hardly ashamed for my indiscretions because I'm a shaman. Shame man. A person who plays around with other people's shame. Why would I not? They don't want it to even be there.

I've taken the empty handed approach to arm-wrestling shame. Except for my weird-looking face (that can easily become contorted), I don't own any masks or rattles. I do have a drum. A couple of them as a matter of fact. I don't have any herbs or chemicals to give people to scare their shame away. I don't have any radiation machines to burn their insides and scare them into thinking they're dying, and they better do what that can to stop it from the inside fast. Real fast. Now!

I still owned ephemerides and chart books up until the mid-Eighties. I started holding hands with people instead. Granted, astrology is the mother of all knowledge, and drawing up a thousand natal charts by hand was important for my visualizing the entire zodiac and all it's appendages as a living entity in my mind's eye. I see it all now. But, once that's done and the facticity of it gets represented in a recognizable mean time, then it's time to start holding hands with people. It doesn't matter any more what they think they know or why.

I hate to be the one to tell you, but such arrogance is absolutely necessary. That's the reason I'm fond of this quote:

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." ~ TS Eliot

I say it's necessary. I do not say you're not going to pay the same price for arrogance you do of any other sort. Just pick up the cross, jerk, and "feel the burn."

Arrogance brings humiliation in it's train. Look into your own life for the proof. It's easy enough. Humiliation is rather difficult to forget and forgive. Just recall the last time. It can't have been that long ago. The last time you felt humiliated, it was your reward for being arrogant... and the time before that... and the time before that too.

I don't know if you and I have anything in common when it comes to how humiliation feels, but I don't like it. No sirree, not a bit of it. It hurts! It's "mah pain". I own it. I shouldn't have bought in. Usually, the shame I feel, most of all, is because it could have been prevented, and I didn't do right, and it didn't right9... all fall down.

Reading palms is something I used to do. I don't seek it, and won't serve if elected. I didn't know why I was compelled to or obsessed by palm reading while I was doing it. It's only in reflection twenty years later that I understand why I did it. It is very simple. to practice using the word, but deriving the Word I spoke from the database installed during my remembering vision.

I really didn't know how to describe what happened to me back then until personal computers came along. What I call "computerese" provides me with innumerable metaphors to say what happened during my remembering vision. There is one metaphor that I feel serves me best, that of installing software during the early years, and now downloading updates. Particularly from Apple. It's a no blame deal.

This was the part of my remembering vision that was so difficult for me to tag. I "saw" what was going on, but I also experienced it simultaneously. Not only that, but I didn't lose touch three-dimensional reality either. At first, I thought it was like a dream, and would soon go away, and the best I would have would be a hazy memory of a really wild dream. That wasn't it. What I saw and experienced simultaneously was installed as the default database for my comparing what I experienced in the world of the senses from that time to this.

Think about it. What can anybody do about me making this claim? Nothing will probably happen because I bring these elements into play, but if I don't bring these elements into play nothing CAN happen. The work has to be done. That it's done in futility can't be allowed to matter.

I'm possessed by the species-wide flaw that encompasses all homo-sapiens. I can't know my possibles (my future) in the specious present or I can't be there now if I do. I have to create from within myself any possibilities or future attainable. Otherwise, Nothingness. No blame.