DayGlow

Every time I keep an appointment with the Rheumatologist I am impressed more and more deeply that the arthritis is forever, and forever is not that far away. He told me yesterday that I'm taking such strong doses of the methotrexate that he can't in good conscience prescribe more, so he's prescribing another drug called Humira.

Humira is the reason they tested me to see if I have been exposed to people who have had tuberculosis. Apparently not, and so they're giving it to me to shoot myself up with it. I've never stuck a needle in my own body before. I guess it's come to this. I read a little bit about the side effects of this drug. The bottom line is that it can cause infection and death. Goodbye cruel world... eh?

I think I've decided not to participate in the novel-a-month club. I've about come to the conclusion these people are ghouls who are looking for stuff to write about so they can bundle other people's stuff into their technique and sell it themselves. I did get one thing out of it. I decided the best way to write about my remembering vision is to present it as science fiction.

The fact that my second wife left me and took our children with her filled me with anger, but after I saw them again after twenty-seven years I lost the anger, and now it's like they're all dead to me. I have a grandson I'll never see. I saw one of my grandchildren, but her mother don't know me any better than her child does. My oldest girl child from my first marriage can't have children. It's very sad. She was born in Cancer, the sign of the mother. I haven't seen her in years, and I don't even know where she lives anymore.

According to me natal astrology chart I was born to lose, but to have a pretty revealing life this ti-me. This is the first verse to a poem entitled The Holy Longing written by Goethe:

Tell a wise person, or else keep silent
because the massman will mock it right way.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.
...

This is one of the most explicit poems that reflects the way I've learned life is. Particularly the line about "the massman" will mock it right away. If there is anything I have learned from participating in e-mail discussion groups is that there are lots and lots of "massmen" quite willing, and even eager to mock what I should only tell "wise persons".

It's not their fault. I learned that the hard way by telling them stuff that is beyond their kith and ken. I can't expect people to submit themselves to what I did to get what I got from doing what happened to me. Why would they not mock me when they haven't given themselves up to the quest? Massmen? Many don't have a clue the quest exists. No blame. We got forever and a day.

The older I get the less I enjoy being around children. It's not the children themselves I don't like being around. It's their parents trying to shape their children's environment into what they think the children need to experience that rattles my cage. I don't like being around children because they have stupid parents who are doing their best to teach the children to be as stupid as they are themselves. It's like being around dead men walking. The fate of the damned.

I have a brother who got so angry at me for not acting like he wanted me to in front of his children, that I can't remember their naymes most of the time. Neither of them have ever visited me and they only lived a half mile away. Now, they're adults and I'm still just another stranger. I didn't see what they were taught as being the truth that way. In teaching his children not to be like me, he was actually teaching them to not be like himself. That meant I couldn't be their uncle because I was his brother.

My ex-wives couldn't stand the way I acted around my own children, and worked their will in such a way that it wasn't okay for me to be myself in front of their children. Soon enow, I didn't have any children. Only my ex-wives did. Which begs the question of whether they're actually my children in the first place.

Parents who use their children to boss other people around behave like religious proselytizers who manipulate God to get their own way with people who then act more like the accused than the accuser. The accuser is always the accused. What else can one see in the other but their own idea of themselves? I-am-is cannot act like it hasn't marched to that drummer without feeling the shame and humiliation of self-betrayal.

55 Jesus said, "Whoever does not hate father and mother cannot be my disciple, and whoever does not hate brothers and sisters, and carry the cross as I do, will not be worthy of me."

http://users.misericordia.edu//davies/thomas/Trans.htm

The above saying is from the Gospel of Thomas. It is one of a large number of an early Christian library written in Coptic, the language of the Pharaohs. These sayings are an earlier version of the Catholic compendium and thought to have been compiled by a group called Gnostics.

My point in introducing that old saying is to point out that children often learn to hate their parents for trying to keep them within prearranged parameters that keeps the children from realizing their own uniqueness, their own identity of being, rather than being the identity assigned to them by the parents.

The truth or not of such a saying isn't as meaningful to me as the apparent fact that such an issue portrayed by the saying is ancient and long lived. I've never encountered a person yet who thought the saying was correct. They all believed the Catholic version that came hundreds if not thousands of years later.

Big headache that's been hanging around longer than I usually have headaches. I've turned into the typical old man who takes handfuls of perfectly legitimate, but deadly pills that sometime makes him feel more ill that the discomforts he takes the prescriptions for.

I was out walking and decided to stop in at the only department store we have left in this small town and ran into a high school classmate. She has always been an interesting person to me because she's so intelligent. Now, I guess I might have to add the term diplomat and/or wise woman to the list of admirable traits she off-handedly displays.

I made an interesting discovery recently. In the circles I've moved in lately the term "blaspheme" gets tossed around a lot in moot arguments that will never be settled. I have always known what blasphemy meant by circumstance or situation, but never by it's opposite. Eupheme, as in euphemistic. Here is the quote from Wikipedia:

"The word euphemism comes from the Greek word euphemo, meaning "auspicious/good/fortunate speech/kind" which in turn is derived from the Greek root-words eu (ευ), "good/well" + pheme (φήμη) "speech/speaking". The eupheme was originally a word or phrase used in place of a religious word or phrase that should not be spoken aloud; etymologically, the eupheme is the opposite of the blaspheme (evil-speaking). The primary example of taboo words requiring the use of a euphemism are the unspeakable names for a deity, such as Persephone, Hecate, or Nemesis. Euphemism was itself used as a euphemism by the ancient Greeks, meaning 'to keep a holy silence' (speaking well by not speaking at all)."