I keep hoping I'll find something interesting to write about so that I might could ignore some of my personal problems. Sometimes writing makes time fly. The family meeting worked out fine. We didn't accomplish anything, but at least there wasn't a lotta yelling and screaming. I actually came out of the meeting with a better idea of what I might agree to. The fact that the airport authority people (all with vested interest) forced us to sell them land splitting the farm into changed how I felt about the piece of land I had chosen for myself. I haven't been secretive about it, but I probably should have been. As soon as I make my preferences clear it caused my siblings to wonder if I knew something they didn't about that particular plot of ground, and sully up on me. Ain't that the way it is with family just about everywhere?
I don't know if I'm deluding myself or what. I watch the people around me change and force myself to realize the changes I see in them are what's really going on with me. I write about projection a lot. I suspect I do that as an act of selfishness. I have to be able to trust that what I act like is so is plausible to the other whether I know it is plausible or not. I'm not getting my water from the same well as most folk, including my siblings.
Fortunately some other people this has happened to have written about their experiences in this situation. I'm writing about the experiential database wot got installed or revealed during my remembering vision. Just this morning I saw the beginning of a program about Alzheimer's Syndrome called The Forgetting. I expect to undergo this "forgetting" too. I'll forget the stuff I was taught I oughta know to live a good life.
I disclaim knowing the truth. That allows me to speculate with even more wild-eyed-ness. I'm speculating wildly now, but I think that since I had my remembering vision I've had two experiential databases to draw from, and now one of them is starting to fade away to some degree. The database that's fading away is the same one that fades away with the aging process as with Everyman.
I've had to learn to trust the information I get from the other database. The database of my remembering vision. Part of the problem I have with that is that it doesn't seem possible to many people that I could come up with the stuff I do when I do trust this more universal database. It's difficult to explain myself. If I say what I see to people who only have their original database available to them, they look at me with a weird askance.
I'm prone to believe the information that became available as a result of my remembering vision was revealed rather than bestowed. If this is true, then it probably lies dormant in everybody else, and they need their own event such as a remembering vision for them to become consciously aware of it. Even if they do have some one event or the other to "Open, Sesame!" with, it's difficult to trust your own judgment in this regard, rather than what you learned through formal education.
Part of this situation comes from what I've intuited from the sayings of the Gospel of Thomas. Particularly in regard to it's treatment of atonement. At-one-ment. In several instances it talks about making the two into one. The question for me, and I suspect for a lotta people, is about what the two elements that have to be brought together amounts to. To make this point, if I can, I reference the first of the 114 sayings of Thomas:
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These are the secret sayings that the living Jesus spoke and Didymos Judas Thomas recorded.
1 And he said, "Whoever discovers the interpretation of these sayings will not taste death."
http://users.misericordia.edu//davies/thomas/Trans.htm
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"... will not taste death." What on earth could this mean? It doesn't say will not feel death or smell death or see or hear death, but it says " will not taste death." The best I can come up with for an interpretation of this first saying is that if you understand the sayings, then death will happen even before you realize you're dead. Which, when I think about it, is pretty groovy because it eliminates most of my fears concerning death.
In relation to the loss of my conventional database of experience, to me, it means that I might not realize that other people view me as senile, and because I have this other database to realize my place in the world, I probably won't know why they're treating me like I'm not there anymore, at least not there as my sibling's brother or my parent's son.
A member of the Thomas group, Sarah, wrote once that if you discover the meaning of these sayings, that "the rumors of war will always be rumors." This interpretation makes more sense to me than the claim to not taste death. When Sarah first posted this, my immediate response was that the rumors of war since I"ve been alive in this body have always been rumors. Not for some, though, for them the bullets were real.
Well..., this worked out pretty good. What I've written might not make much sense, but at least it kept me preoccupied for a couple of hours. For the most part I forgot about the pain I'm experiencing, and that's always a good thang.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
