My Fate Found Me On The Road I Took To Avoid It

I've been using some herbal tea this morning to see if it helps with the arthritis. It did help some, but it made me nauseous and I puked my guts out. Maybe that's what it's supposed to do. A lot of these herbal concoctions make me puke.

More than one person has asked me what I meant by Thursday's entry. I'm guessing these people assumed I was rapping about suicide. That's not my point. I'm writing about a new page in the sense that I have to consciously use the database I was given exclusively. That's pretty scary.

I find it difficult to describe how this database reaches into other people's minds in ways they don't understand and I'm not all that aware of, because they're limited to the database they operate from during just one lifetime. The other creatures and entities they have made themselves into through evolution are right there in their aura. I'm describing things in their aura they don't consciously know about, but yet... they can't imagine how to pray for it to open to them, because they can't imagine infinity. It's a species flaw, and a no blame situation.

This woman used to stare off into the distance. She stared at people in public without an inkling, much less a care, about the etiquette of it. Sometime people took her interest in the wrong way. Others took it just right. I've watched babies stare at some activity that interested them like like woman stared at things. Openly, with no holds barred. Dispassionately taking it all in as if ethics and morals were something she'd deal with in some distant, undefined future.

She didn't talk. Not to me at least. I saw her recently at a social affair and she moved around and through the tables like a gadfly and constantly smoozed cutesy, clever nonsense to make people feel comfortable and at ease. She never did that sort of thing with me or even when she accompanied me with other people around. I was sort of astounded that she had seemed to suddenly blossom into some "hostess-with-the-mostest". Then I remembered how I had asked her opinion about something in her emotional past and she would clam up. I had to intuit the answer or play some form of Twenty Questions where she would nod if the answer was "Yes", and shake her head from side to side to indicate "No."

I was introduced to her for the specific purpose of reading her palm. It was pretended that I was there for supper, but she couldn't boil water, and so that was a well-intentioned dream. I successfully guessed right about some very powerful emotional events in her life. Sometime I think she figured I could read her thoughts she couldn't express her own self for either love nor money, and that by being with me, she wouldn't have to explain what she could not say if I already knew. I operated a system of expertise, and she thought I was a prophet.

The problem for me was that my intuition of her feelings didn't stop where she thought it should if I were a decent, honorable person. I couldn't not know her other personal business as well and it drove me to violence. That's why I don't like her as a human being. She drove me to violence by lusting for others with feelings I couldn't shut out, and then looked at me with that blank stare and lie about her feelings as if I weren't in the room.

Reading others is a two-edge sword. It's not a matter of choosing which thoughts to be-co-me with, and where to draw the line. The channel is open. There is no line drawn after the way opens. It was a two-way street. I too have sinned. Granted, she couldn't help having the feelings she had, but I couldn't help having the feelings she had in unison. I should have run for my life. I shoulda gone to the other side of the world and waited for her to find another fool. I didn't wanna be lonely again. My fate found me on the road I took to escape it.