Why You Talking Down To Me?

I dreamed of getting trapped in a huge industrial complex again last night. I'd wake up, go to the bathroom, and when I returned to my bed and to sleep, I'd be back there again. I got more and more frustrated as the night wore on. Helpless.

I can see some sense in this dream. If things continue the way they're going with this arthritis I'll be helpless enow soon. I don't clean up very well after myself now. I've always been accused of being the most independent person anybody who talks to me has known, and acted like I didn't need them at all. That's not gonna play well soon. Everything I do that requires I use my hands is a hassle. I can't even pick my nose because it hurts too much to dig at the crap this horrible cold is producing. My nose stays stuffed up because I can't clear it. What a drag, man.

The cold has been better when I first get up in the morning for the last couple of days. By the end of the day though, when I'm worn out from dealing with this pain all day it's back to the same old grind. I hope I'll be miraculously cured of everything and return to being a twenty year old, but if that don't happen, and I'm pretty sure it won't, I'd at least like for this cold to get better. It really has me dragging ass, and allows me to get depressed about the arthritis. Double bind.

I keep remembering that one line from a song I was moved by. "You better let someone love you, before it's too late." Well, I did, and they stopped loving me, and now it's too late. I really hate it that she stopped loving me, but when she did, it was over, and we couldn't be together anymore.It's been said that in situations like this that it's the children who suffer. They did, but they all had each other to turn to. I had nothing, and still don't. I won't let anybody else love me.

When I went to Seattle to witness my oldest daughter's wedding, the younger daughter's child (my ex-wife's grand-daughter, supposedly my spawn, but I got no legal right to call her my grandchild) never touched me or even came close enough for that to happen. I would have at least liked to hug her, but that wasn't in the cards. I don't know what she'd been told about me. Now, I wish I hadn't gone. This visit was for everybody but me. More punishment for being who I think I am is. They just wanted to point their fingers at me and say, "That's him, that's the son-of-a-bitch who ruined our lives. Stay away from people like that." No blame.

I had that happen yesterday. My younger brother had the State put in some tile in the ditch between some of his land and the paved road. He was standing there talking to them and so I decided to stop by and chat about what he had done just to be social and to show an interest in what he was doing.

I knew right away it was a mistake on my part. My appearance embarrassed him. He was very dismissive and announced to the State workers that it was none of my business, and that if I was in my right mind I would have known what it was all about. All I could do was to turn around an leave without saying another word. It doesn't bother him to apologize to his acquaintances for me being a retarded person right in front of me. That's why it was stupid of me to return to my home town.


If I had known what I know now, I would have never undertaken the quest to understand myself. It might appear that the more I understand about me, the more the other resents me for finding out. Self-knowledge itself isolates me from the other, and it doesn't know or acknowledge that who-I-think-I-am exists. It's not personal, it's just impossible for it to know. It may be jealous that I am can. I hate jealous gods, don't you?


I guess I am retarded in some way. I don't get the reason why other people do what they do. I know more about them than they do themselves, but it's always me that turns out to be weird because I've always been able to do that. I oughta know better than to reveal the truth about them, I guess the reason I'm dumb is that they don't wanna know how I can do that. They can't do it, so I must be weird. Odd man out because of insight.

Why do I give my family credit for being smarter than they are capable of being. It only pisses them off and makes me a persona non grata. People i didn't grow up around don't act that way. I'm better off as a stranger in a stranger land, but that still means I'm a stranger in a strange land. I have no home. I never have.

I came back here to have my own place to stay, but it isolates me more than if I were out among strangers. If I kill myself, it'll be because of the people who swear they love me.