My younger brother who is close to 65 years old, took the visiting nephews and nieces for a kayaking trip this morning. I left my warm coat over at my youngest brother's house next door and they were all gathered up to leave when i arrived. I went inside to get my coat and was convinced to stay a while by the offer of breakfast and some gourmet coffee.
The big meal is supposed to happen around two this afternoon. I'll probably go over for a little while and eat a little. I don't like being around other people generally, but with this 24/7 pain I really don't like it. Other people being around prevents me from screeching when I do something that hurts, and there ain't much left I can do that doesn't. At my house I can scream out in pain, and that seems to help. Also, I get the feeling my presence is a downer for the others, especially on a day of celebration.
Not much e-mail this morning. Why would there be? It's Thanksgiving Day, and all the net freaks are forced to pay attention to their families or be humiliated by their indifference. I get the feeling that a lot of the people who spend as much time as I do in front of their monitor as I do feel a little embarrassed they're hooked. If I had not taken some sort of unconscious vow of poverty I might move around a little more. As it is I can't afford to.
I could probably afford to move around more than I do, but I don't seem motivated enough to get up and go do something different. Going over to the closest regional city where they have a lot more amenities for entertaining oneself turns out for me to be the same ol'/same ol', and I get a little upset for going over there just to do the same useless crap I did the last time I was over there.
I did myself.
I am is a beautiful thing,
an addition to the Whole
that is Me.
For without my Self,
there would be no thing else,
without Me,
the world wouldn't be.
So, I walk down the street
with a gleam in my eye,
and a definite "Go to hell" look.
Because, the feelings I got
come from loving my Self,
and they didn't come
outta no Book.
My emotions I feel,
and my feelings I know,
and my rapport
is thicker than smoke.
I'm the outside in,
and the inside out,
and "Fuck you! ...
if you can't take a joke!"
The above poem is one of the few I composed rather than took down as dictation. What I've attempted to capture with this poem is a certain attitude that I need to be able to reach for when I fall for the same old tricks that work just about every time with me. It's designed to work with repetition and redundancy. I've recited this poem, mostly to myself, tens of thousands of times.
All of my poetry is about attitudes that seem to work for me when nothing else will. I have my favorites because they so consistently assist me in coping with situations I seem stuck in through ti-me. Nobody knows but me that I'm using self-generated enchantment to change the way I react to the way the world is or merely seems.
Have a fruitful Thanksgiving, Barbara. Thanks for the card.
I do not attempt to tell the God's own truth here because I don't know what the truth is or hardly ever. I try to capture the drifting thoughts that randomly appear in my imagination for reasons I may not understand. I don't know if the content I capture with these words is true or false. The Comments settings are turned off to prevent me from having to defend what amounts to little more than fanciful, sometime crude speculation. Great moments in our lives never return.
