Nobody's Out There

I switched over to this new blog site simply because I could sign it up with Feedburner and find out if anybody was reading it. To give my readers a chance to subscribe using RSS to let them know I've posted a new blog entry. I'm not very surprised after a couple of weeks to find out i have one subscriber and no visitors, so I really am writing to myself. It's very difficult to maintain delusions of grandeur this way. If you are out there and wanna subscribe, I've now figured out how to put an RSS "chicklet" at the top left of the home page. It's the orange doohicky with the bars. Just click on it and you'll get the idea.

All this means is that it matters even less what I write about. I am deluded, of course, I just don't have delusions of grandeur. I write about stuff that requires a bit of training to even grok the simple parts of it. Since nobody is reading it, I might as well write some more about astrology. Astrology is a framework that allows me to write as much or as long as I want to without running out of something to say. Any competent oracle does that.

Hardly any of the people I've communicated with even know what an oracle is. They've familiar with the word and have some general idea that it has something to do with prophecy, but the more particular uses of an oracle is just not there for them. A great majority of the people in the world don't know anything about astrology except for some rotely acquired awareness about their Sun sign. Most people have never heard of the Chinese classical book, The Book Of Changes, which is generally called the I Ching. I literally spent over thirty years studying the I Ching on a daily basis, and then the oracle itself told me to stop using it. Some gratitude... eh?

One of the reasons I started keeping a blog was for my children to read about my side of the story in case they ever wanted to know about their father. They don't care whether I live or die, and if they had a preference it would probably be that I die. Preferably by suicide because i was so miserable and lonely without them. I oughta be, I suppose, but I didn't actually leave the last two children. They left me, but they were too young to have a say in the matter. I've found out in the last year or so that they have no interest in me or what I gotta say. No blame.

Since our parents died, my siblings and I have grown even further apart. I'm pretty sure they would like for me to kill myself if I could make it look like I didn't. They just want my share of the land our parents left us. They're actively plotting to take it now and leave my children nothing. My children apparently don't care. That's how much they despise the very idea of me. I don't blame them. Their mother was such a whore i don't even know if they're mine. Isn't that typical? I don't have much careactor. If they wanna be my children they can be, but it they don't I guess I'll never see them again. I'm not surprised by many things about people any more.

There seem to be a bunch of people who were famous when I was a teenager that have died recently. Many of them have been dead for a long time. The singer Bo Diddly died yesterday. He was pretty famous when i was in high school. I never cared that much for rock and roll when it began in the Fifties. Bo Diddly was ten years older than me. I didn't know that. I don't know if I'll live as long as Bo Diddly, I doubt it. Even if I do live that long I'll probably have Alzheimer's or senility so severe I won't know my ass from a hole in the ground. Big thrill... eh?

The worst problem i have presently is the arthritis, and it's been worse than it is now. Probably the next worse thing is that I've always been a big show-off, and there's nobody to show off for now. Nobody cares whether I live or die, including myself. This is not that big a deal when I think about seeing all those bodies floating around in the rice paddies in Burma. Nobody apparently even knows their name. The living only appear to be concerned with the smell.

My hands feel a little better today. I've started splitting up my practice time so it won't irritate my fingers so much all at once. I'm starting to play a few songs from memory now with both hands. Nothing to brag about, but at least it's something to show for all the work I did.

I watched some of the documentary on Harry Truman last night on PBS. I didn't realize his wife was so unhappy about being first lady. I would have thought she would be unhappy about being one ugly person. Not only was she unattractive, but wore a constant frown and haggard expression. One of the reasons she didn't want her husband to become President is that she was afraid a suicide in her immediately family would be reported. She was said to feel a great sense of shame that happened.

I didn't realize suicide was such a social stigma for some people, but I oughta. Joel Starling was a popular guy in my high school class. He married one of our classmates. They lived down in Atlanta where he killed himself. I was a little shocked that it had come to that for him. Recently, in the last five years or so his nephew became the Mayor here. We were thrown together for a brief conversation one day, and I asked him what had happened to Joel. He instantly hated me, and literally told me to never mention Joel's name to him again.

I've been more discreet about it, but I've asked other people what could have possibly happened to make Joel view suicide as a way out, if indeed that's what happened. I've never found out what happened. Virtually nobody that was remotely in a position to give me an answer would talk about what happened, or that they had ever known him. He might have found out how dismissive they were about him, and that's why he did what he did. Turns out i know a lot of dismissive people. Not me, though, and it's the bane of my ex-is-tense.